why you'd better not call me kathy

This'll be Quick

2007-08-03T06:00:00.000-06:00

i'm back and the time, all in all, was not only phenomenal, but went by really incredibly fast and i can't believe it is already august when it still honestly feels like it could be march.
alas, now real life hits and i have to start getting things ready for fall.

i would go into details but who am i kidding...it is currently six in the morning and i have been up since four, after having a whopping 5 hours of sleep following a 27 hour stint of being awake.

my eyes are burning.

talk to you later!

Time goes by...really fast.

2007-07-11T03:18:00.000-06:00

Clearly, the reason I haven't been posting as much is because 1) I don't have easy access to internet, and the more obvious reason 2) because of facebook.

But, I am not going to post an entire entry about the evils of that other time-consumer...simply because everybody else who has a blog already has.

Anyways...this will be quick. My time in Deutschland by myself has come to a close. I can't even believe how fast the time has gone by. I have been gone from Canada for over 2 months now. Am I sad that this part is over...not really. It was a really good time for me...in an unexpected way it was really good for me and God...I was able focus on what needed to be focused on (that sounds horribly broad), and make some decisions about the path of my life (away from certain influential people). I know that this time was what I needed. However, Hebbs comes in one day and I am incredibly excited.

After I pick Heather up in Frankfurt, we'll head over to our first destination...Köln. Then it's up to Lubeck, then over to Berlin, down to Würzburg, Regensburg, and then over into Austria to Salzburg where we are most definitely doing The Sound of Music tour. Yah, believe it. Then we head back into Germany to Munich, and then back up to Feuchtwangen where we will spend the remainder of our days making day trips to little towns and stuff. It's gonna be good times.

Anyways, I desperately miss home. I'm not home-sick...it takes a lot for me to get home-sick these days...with my parents having been gone for 4 years. But I really do miss home. 21 more days. It's crazy.

See you then.
Love, kate.

So Far...

2007-06-20T01:51:00.000-06:00

Well...time for an update, I guess. I have now been in Germany for three weeks, have traveled around different towns in the south, and am now gallivanting in the big cities of the north. So far I have eaten the cheek of pig, escargot(aka snails), deer, and baby horse among other things, and have tried a multitude of different beers, liquors, and wines. I've also taken up to running almost every day...which apparently must not be a very popular sport here since pretty much every person I pass on the trails stares at me like I am out of my mind for strapping on running shoes and moving in a motion faster than a walk.

Anyways, I have realized that this trip is much less of a working trip than I thought it would be...in fact, it has seemed more like twelve weeks of vacation where I have been attempting to learn German. I feel somewhat useless, as my days are often spent either golfing (oh, if you could just see how good I am...jokes), going out for coffee and cake...or some other form of good food, shopping, or reading...either one of many English books or one of many German childrens books...yup, you read correctly...kids books. And I am slightly embarrassed to admit that it took me no less than a week to get through a story book about a young girl going on her first shopping trip to the grocery store to buy milk and plumcake...although, it probably took that long because I would throw the book aside in frustration at my lack of understanding. And for someone who reads A LOT, it was very frstrating when I couldn't understand something that was meant for a four year old. Thus, I would turn to one of my trusted English novels...of which my supply is slowly dwindling. I have had to make several trips to the Feuchtwangen library just to stock up. One particular time, I remember sheepishly walking in and asking the lady at the front desk, "Wo sind die Englishen Bücher?" She hopped right out of her seat ad began speaking in the most rapid German, all the while booking it around the library (no pun intended) to lead me to the small selection of English books. So, there I was -- running after her (actually), pretending to understand her and firing off my feeble array of "oh, vielen dank," and "Ja, ja..." with the appropriate head nods. Ah...good times. Needless to say, in the last six weeks I have read The Count of Monte Cristo (completely different than the movie), The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night (one word: weird), Catcher in the Rye (read it...if you haven't already), The Nanny Diaries (had to read it before the movie comes out), Eragon (bit cheesy...but ok), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (for the second time -- still obviously phenomenal), and am now simultaneously reading Eldest (the second book of the Eragon series) and The Hobbit. I read a lot...and apparently really fast, cause one book doesn't ever seem to last me more than two or three days.

So, right now I am in Schwerin...a beautiful small city of about 100 000 people, situated between Rostock and Hamburg, formerly East Germany. It's crazy, when you look at the old, crumbling, simple structured buildings, to see just how suppressed this side of the country actually was, having been previously under Socialist rule. Yup...but I'm not going to pretend to understand everything about the politics of a country I am only just visiting, so I'll resort to tell you that I have been having a great time here. I've made a few trips into Hamburg to go shopping and to see the sights, spent a morning in a Grade 5 classroom talking about Canada, and have spent the others days sitting by the lake and tanning...it's awesome. I leave to head back to the south tomorrow morning (the train systems here are much better than in Italy), and next week will travel to Munich, where I will stay with another family for a few days, and hang out with a friend from Calgary who will also be visiting. It seems bizarre that three weeks have already passed by...I have been away from Canada for six weeks now, and my trip is half over. Only three more weeks and then Heather will be here.

On a different note, this trip has been challenging in ways that I didn't expect. I was excited that maybe these twelve weeks would prove to be similar to my time in Winnipeg after my engagement was broken off...a time when I felt incredibly alone and yet so very close to Jesus. I look back on that time and often miss the hours I spent with God...totally immersed in His presence. Considering I am quite similarly alone over here in Europe, I have been surprised to find how much more challenging it has been to make time for God. My desire for Him has not stemmed from heartache, as it did just over a year ago, but rather from the need to feel something that is familiar, or from the need to just rest, or, in all honesty, from the need to speak English with someone.

Anyways, this is getting long...but I promised an update. There will be more to come...hopefully with pictures, if I can ever hack into a wireless signal on my stupid computer.

I miss Canadian life, and I miss all of you...and can't wait to be homein 43 days.

Love, Kate

Möchtest du Sauerkraut mit deiner Bratwurst?

2007-05-31T06:42:00.000-06:00

My summer adventures have begun and I can already conclude one thing: Ich spreche nicht so viel Deutsch. Oh well...I suppose I will learn...hopefully.

Jon and I travelled around Italy for three weeks...one week by ourselves and two with our parents. If you have Facebook, I have put up some pictures that you should check out. There are a lot missing, though...since my brilliant brother, Jon, forgot his cord to download pictures onto my computer. Nevertheless, the pictures are in my brain. Italy is incredible...although hopelessly tourist unfriendly. I can honestly say that I will never in my life recommend TrainItalia to anybody I know who takes a trip to Italy. Our first happy encounter with the wonderful company involved getting on a train from Napoli to Florence...a supposed four-hour train ride. Luckily for us, however, we got to endure a drawn out seven-hour trip sitting opposite from a couple who undoubtedly were having marital disputes over the fact that he was very fat and was ordering chips and pop when she had gone off to the bathroom. This, along with the two American women behind us who kept complaining because "no one on this train speaks english"...and the girl beside us whose two cell phones kept ringing off the hook simultaneously, made for a ride which we enjoyed very much.

Our second encounter involved a trip from Florence to Asti with a stop over in Pisa. First off, we were told that we didn't need a ticket to be on the train from Florence to Pisa (all we needed were our Eurail passes)...but Jon was sceptical. So, the morning of our trip we headed down to the train station to make sure all was well, and found out that not only were our tickets booked for the wrong day and that we would have to pay again, but there was a train strike and the only train leaving for Pisa was leaving in five minutes and if we were going to get on it we had better run. Well, the train left in four minutes...and we weren't on it. So, we had to catch a later train, which literally stopped at every stop in every town on the way to Asti, and our, once again, four hour trip, turned into an eight hour one.

Anyways, in Rome we saw the Colliseum and the Pantheon, the Vatican, Spanish steps, and the Trevi fountain (well...I saw the Trevi Fountain. Jon got real sick and so I went on an adventure around Rome by myself)...and much more...all the typical sights. We went down to a little coastal town called Sorrento, along the Amalfi coast...and to the island of Capri. Then we travelled up to Florence where we waited in line for three hours to see the statue of David -- doesn't seem worth it but somehow we manged to weasel our way in for free. Don't ask me how. Then we went up to Asti where we met my parents and a friend of ours who owns a villa in Piemonte. Then it was down to CinqueTerra, a quick jaunt over to Maranello to go to the Ferrari factory, and then over to Venice, which was really very picturesque, but also kind of smelly. And then finally we travelled up to the north where my relatives live, in the Italian Alps. Lots of travelling but well worth it, and I would go back in a second...however I would most definitely opt for renting a car.

Hmmm...so now I am in Deutschland. My parents and Jon left this morning. It poured rain for a couple dazs and was really cold, but still beautiful. I love it, and am excited to be here... however, I am a little scared about being here by myself for six weeks, and I really do miss everyone. I am here for two more months, three of which I will spend travelling with Hebbs...she gets here in 6 weeks and I can't wait.

Anyways...I should jet. Don't know who reads this anymore, but whoever does...I'll try to keep you posted on the travels, and how the Deutsch Sprechening is fairing...ha ha.

Tschuss!

10 days from now...

2007-04-29T22:43:00.000-06:00

It is sunday night...and although it might seem just like any other sunday night of the year...it was a little different for me. I went to church, came home and went out for supper with Jack. Usual things for an end of the weekend evening...except for one.
I didn't study tonight.
And I don't have to go to school tomorrow...because school is finally done!
I officially finished my last exam on thursday morning...physics. Had to go out with a bang I guess.

Anyways, now I have 10 days to ready myself for a summer away from home. I can't believe how fast this whole trip has approached...I leave so soon and I feel like there is so much to do!

I guess with school and studying and work and all the other stuff that I busy my life with I hadn't given much thought to the whole fact that I actually am going away for three months. Three months. In a foreign country. A country where the language spoken is one which I hardly understand.

You know, you make plans to do things like this and the ball gets rolling and things are put in motion but it doesn't really hit you until it's time to go...and then you start thinking to yourself...what the heck did I get myself into?

I am excited to go. Honestly...I'm actually really pumped. I'm just torn because I don't want to miss a whole summer away from all the people I care about...but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to be challenged in a way that I know is going to be so phenomenal.

Anyways, I'm ranting...and I should go to bed. But if you think of me in the next few months...whoever reads this rambling blog...could you pray for me? I've only really ever had one other time in my life where I felt completely alone...and that was last year when I moved from Rosenort to Winnipeg. Those three months were the closest I've ever been with Jesus... and I guess, as I enter into three months that will probably look a lot similar, I'm praying that the same thing might happen.

(p.s. -- these are just some random pics of some really great people...Tannis and Shannon up top there with me (Jack's sisters)... and there's me and Jackson... posing really nice for the camera... as usual.)

Exams, life, and love.

2007-04-16T23:58:00.000-06:00

And thus beginneth the two weeks of my most favorite thing to do ever...

Final exams.

However, I really don't feel like writing about the feelings of impending doom that are at this moment eating away at my insides...ha ha...
So maybe i'll talk about something else.

I feel like lately I've been so busy that I haven't given much thought to life. And I don't mean life in the sense of what I want to do with my life, or where I'm going to be in the next 1o years, or what kind of car I want to drive when I'm 55 and going through a mid-life crisis. I mean life more in the sense of why I am here on this earth, and why God felt it important to make me a part of his plan.

My brother Jon leads worship at the church that he and I go to....SEMA. This past sunday he lead all by himself...just him and the guitar. To be honest, I love the simplicity of worship when it is just one voice and one instrument. For some reason, the worship last sunday in particular really got to me. Jon stood up there and talked about how lots of times it is our nature to just bring our crazy lives to God and ask him to fix everything, or how sometimes, when we get the chance, we sit and listen to God and expect him to lay into our hearts some divine blueprint of His will. And as he was talking I was thinking in my head...really, my time with God lately has been centered around one of two topics: either me freaking out because of my busy schedule and needing some sort of divine intervention so that there is more time in the day to get everything I need to get done done...or my sitting and trying to listen for exactly what God actually wants me to do with my life...or more specifically...next year.

Jon mentioned that sometimes when we're with God, he desires to tell us things and help us out with our lives because he is our father and our friend. But the thing he said next really hit me: Sometimes God wants us to just come to him and hear him say that he loves us. He actually just wants us to sit there and listen to him say "I love you"...over and over again. And the crazy thing is that I think the more he says it to us the less we will understand it because Gods love is incomprehensible, yet at the same time it brings a peace that stewing over the business of life or the uncertainty of the future will never ever bring.

I think lots of times I want to hear God say that he loves me, and I want to just sit there and listen to it over and over again. Sometimes I would give anything to just have 10 minutes where I can shut out the world and be quiet, and listen for a little bit...and not fall asleep because the rest of my life is so busy. But I think I don't do it because I feel lazy...and I'm afraid of that feeling. And maybe I also don't do it because I know that God loves me...so sitting and hearing him repeat it to me is just a big waste of time. If I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, then it is natural for me to think I'm not making any progress in my relationship with God. I'd rather be bringing "more important" things to his throne...which is really lame now that I actually think about it because I can't think of anything more personal or important than a Father telling his daughter how much he loves her.

Anyways, just some thoughts. See yah in a week or two.

Princess Weather

2007-04-03T09:52:00.000-06:00

Alright, seriously.

I know Calgary is known for it's crazy weather, but this?

I feel as though the gloomy Alberta skies are like a moody teenage girl. One day she loves you and feels like being nice so she turns up the heat to +18, brings out the sun and warms all of us Vitamin E deprived souls on earth, and the next day she hates you...decides that what we really need is a surprise blizzard, a fresh foot of snow to cover our cars, and a little bit of frostbite to just prick away at our already frozen faces...

I don't know how much more of these emotional weather swings I can take:

I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you.

Ha ha.

And you thought it was Spring.

Well, in all honesty, it should be. I mean, it is April 3, and it's -10 outside. What the heck is going on here?

Part of me wants to just leave. And I am...but, unfortunately, I have 5 more days of school and 4 final exams to endure first.

Plus, it's supposed to be +19 on Saturday.

Surprise, surprise.

So that, among a few other things (ha ha)... seems like a good reason to kick around the old cow town for a little while longer.

Did I mention how much I love Mondays?

2007-03-26T23:38:00.000-06:00

Figured I'd write a little about my interesting day...filled with surprises. And by surprises, I mean...well, you'll see.

1. I woke up at 6:30 am. When my alarm went off, not only did I not have a clue what was going on, but I was so sure that there was a mistake, I checked all the other clocks in my house to make sure it was actually time to get up.

2. So, why'd I get up so early? Well, for physics of course. Oh wait, my teacher did what? Oh... he called in sick. Thanks for telling me that once I had already arrived at school.

3. I chomped on my lip ring while eating crackers during what was supposed to be my physics class. (shoot...well, mom...you were gonna find out sooner or later...don't worry, it looks cute!)...it started to bleed (not so cute), and now it hurts a lot.

4. I learned about how the Australian Kiwi bird lays eggs that are half it's body size. Um...pretty much super glad I'm not one of them.

5. I wrote a German test. My teacher laughed at me because I had to verify that he only asked me to answer five of the questions instead of all of them. Good thing I'm such a funny person!

6. I came home to find the entire contents of under my sink emptied out on the floor. Guess who did it? That's just it: I don't know! Sweet, hey? Apparently random maintenance men like to come into my apartment during the day and rummage around.

7. They're turning my water off from 9am to 5pm for the next 5 days. Who wants to come visit?

8. I swallowed the retainer post that I put in my lip (cuz you can't have piercings at Starbucks...) while I was eating a piece of something I snatched out of the pastry case.

9. I bought myself some curry from Safeway for supper. I'm pretty sure salt is their new favorite ingredient, because it tasted horrible. My throat hurts now. But, maybe that's because of the shard of plastic I swallowed earlier.

10. I dropped a total of one milk jug, two frappuccino pitchers (all full), and one chocolate chip
cookie on the floor tonight. The front of me is covered with Starbucks. I smell really good. Glad we're gonna have running water tomorrow.

So...that was my eventful monday. Nothing short of exciting.

I might sound a bit sarcastic, but I actually am looking forward to the week. Should be a good one...especially considering we're going to get a blizzard tonight.

Ha ha.

Maybe a little random...

2007-03-14T23:29:00.000-06:00

Here's a thought...

(bare with the confusion if you can...I've been studying physics)

So, we live in this world where everyone does what is 'right' for him or herself...a world where what you do is for you and what I do is for me, and if I don't agree with what you do, that's fine because it's all relative.
It's all relative.
I hate that phrase. It makes life here on earth -- knowing who God is...knowing his desire for his Children...it makes living that life so frustrating. I am so tired of the lack of backbone that our world has...wait...that North Americans...no, Canadians have.
And yet, I often find myself slipping down that downward spiral...forgetting to stand up for what I believe in...forgetting to be the aroma of God.
But how do we balance it? I mean, I'm a firm believer that in order to reach this generation I have to be able to relate to them. If I come across as "that Christian girl" I'm probably more likely to scare people away than reach a friend who doesn't know God. Yet, sometimes I find that I'm even afraid to tell people that I went to Bible school...or that the reason I can't work on Sundays is because I go to church in the evenings...or that one of the reasons why I'm decent at writing essays is because I wrote close to five million of them at Bethany...most of which were marked by Randy Klassen.
And what about when I'm confronted with something I don't agree with...like homosexuality or promiscuity...which seriously surrounds me all of the time at school and at work...what then? Because, remember, what's right for you might not be right for me...
Oh, man.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to be more outspoken for Christ, but I don't know how. I think Jesus wants us to live radically...and at the same time, I think he wants us to have a really good time doing it. I don't think he means to restrict us, yet at the same time we have to figure out how, in this generation, we can be "in the world but not of the world".

How is that possible when the line between "in" and "of" is just so ridiculously fuzzy?

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2007-03-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

So, back when I was deciding what courses to take at university this year, I had this great idea to take German. I had this notion that a second language would look great on a resume and would just, in general, be very beneficial (that is...if i actually learned it...), and so, i hopped on the 'Deutsch' train and thus began my year of confusion. Probably around the same time that I decided to begin learning German, I had this great idea that it would also be fun to travel in Germany for the summer. Considering my mom had done the same thing for three consecutive summers when she was but my age and has continually kept in contact with the people who she stayed with, I figured that I could head over there after school was finished, and work (aka. bum around) for three months, and 'continue learning german'. Honestly, I didn't think that it would happen because you all know how big dreams like these are...you think, you get excited, you begin to plan...and then....door shut.

Well...the, uh...door has remained nothing but wide open in this case.

I'm going to Europe for the summer! I leave on May 9 with my brother Jon and we will be travelling by ourselves throughout Switzerland and Southern Italy for a week, after which we will meet up with my parents near Turin (Italy) where we will stay with my cousins and travel around Tuscany and Cinqueterra for two weeks. After that, we are driving back up to Germany where I will stay for the remaining two months of summer.

Considering flights are booked, I am getting pretty excited. Really, May 9 is only two months away...which is crazy because it actually still feels like January here. I've been thinking about how I will be alone in a foreign country with a language barrier (yes...language barrier...I'm only 'learning' german) for two months, and although I love alone time and am seriously looking forward to the challenge that those two months will be, the latest news regarding my summer travels has me even more excited than before...I only found out about this last night, and I pretty much jumped around my apartment for an hour straight.

My best friend, Heather, is flying out to visit and travel with me on July 12! We will probably spend a week or so in Germany, probably in the north near Berlin, and then will head (hopefully) into Austria (to do the Sound of Music tour, obviously)...then over to Greece, and then we both will head back home to Calgary on August 2. I can't even describe to you how incredibly pumped I am that we are going to get to travel around Europe together...just us. It's going to be a blast...this is something that her and I have dreamed about and talked about for years...and now it's actually happening!

Anyways, there is lots of planning to do...like booking train tickets and hostels...for both my time with Jon and my time with Heather. Truthfully, I'd rather just go and wing it and see what happens, because I'm really not much of the detailed planner type for things like this...but I also know that if we didn't have anything booked, we wouldn't get anything...and well, you get the picture.

Needless to say, I'm ridiculously excited. It will be interesting trying to stay focused in school for the next month and a half with this all on my mind...

School...that thought is a little depressing. Ha ha...well, I should go to class.
Guten tag!

Physics...my favorite.

2007-02-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

So, I had the pleasure of starting my week off of University with a good ol' Physics midterm.

The wonderful subject that deals with electricity and magnetism, explains the effects of electric fields and forces, and describes the functions of circuits, is, quite frankly, the very thing that makes me want to get up in the morning...the very thing that gets me so excited about life. If I could, I would major in Physics...because, truly, I believe it to be the only important subject in life...the only topic that really instills valuable knowledge in the learner.

In case you didn't catch it...I'm being a tiny bit sarcastic.

Physics...oh physics. To be honest, I consider it a great accomplishment that I didn't break down before the exam...and an even greater one that I didn't break down after.

There is a slight possibility that I got a little angry though.

Honestly, it was possibly one of the hardest exams I've ever written...and I'm almost 900% confident that I either failed...or did extremely horrible.

Oh well...I got to go out for a night on the town with two unbelievably great (and hot, i might add) women afterwards...which made it all worth while.

Oh, Brother.

2007-02-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

I love this picture...for three reasons.

1. Jon actually looks happy to be sitting beside me.
2. Jon actually let me lean on his shoulder instead of nudging me off (which, inevitably, did occur after the camera flashed).
3. We were both laughing.
Realistically this was probably because of something Jon said or did (as usual), however I often like to attribute the joyous looks on our faces to my incredible wit and humor.

I love my brother. And I'm not writing this because I'm trying to be really sappy because it's Valentines day. For one, he's my brother...and two...he's my brother.

But honestly, I think Jon is one of my favorite people in the world. Not only is he the good example that I think every older brother should be, but he loves Jesus in a way that inspires me, listens to me when I make no sense whatsoever, is honest with me, and challenges me to be a better woman of God.

And not only does he have those great brotherly characteristics, but he is one of my best friends. I can call him up on a saturday night and watch hockey with him, or go out for coffee...and maybe he's just pretending...but it really seems like he actually wants to hang out with me.

Plus, he can make me laugh, no matter what mood I'm in...

which is definitely an accomplishment if you know me at all.

My House.

2007-02-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

It all happened like this.

It was Christmas...on the outside you would have thought everything was normal...we had our tree, the house was decorated as usual...the family was all together. But I knew that in reality it was completely different. I knew because downstairs there were boxes full of our things... toasters and books...bed side tables and picture frames...memories.

My room...I went in for the last time that it was still my room three years ago. I closed the door behind me, and locked it...laid down on the floor and looked around at the now bare walls, the clean, uncovered carpet...the empty shelves...and I cried. I walked over to my small closet and sat down inside, took out a pen and wrote on the wall..."Kathleen lived here from 1985 to 2003". I had never had a different house...I had only ever slept in that same room...

Having a house gives you stability. It provides security...knowing that there is a place where the world can't see you...where you can be yourself...where you can dance to stupid music when you clean, and paint the walls your favorite colors. For me, even though I haven't been able to live in my house for the past 4 years, the knowing that it was still sitting there in Ranchridge Court waiting for me did make me feel better...knowing that it was still technically my house.

But soon it won't be. And I'm sad.

You know, maybe it's for the better...maybe moving back into a house that is so full of memories under different circumstances would be weird.

But I will still miss it...and I think, for a long time, I'll still think of it as home.

Like a Child.

2007-01-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have decisions to make.
My heart and head feel at war, because on one hand, I am victim to the pressures of this world and the claims society tries to take in my life. On the other, I know that my only authority is Jesus, and am confident that His will resides in my heart.

The little girl in this picture was one of the most beautiful children I have ever met. However, looking into her face, I was reminded of something else.

"Oh, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding the truth from those who think themselves so wise and clever, and for revealing it to the childlike"

Matthew 11:25

I think my biggest issue is that I think I can control the path of my life. I think that my plans and my methods of carrying them out are more valuable than following what I believe God has placed in my heart. I worry about the consequences of what seem like massive decisions when I know inside of me that the decisions themselves are not even that significant, and in reality, the consequences will work out.

I feel a calling...and yet, I cannot emphasize enough how scared I am to answer it.

I am afraid to trust myself. I am afraid to trust God.

So, I desire a faith that is able to understand that I am actually not that clever...and that I'm actually not very wise...and that maybe my plans are not really what need to happen right now. I desire a quieted heart...one that is able to listen to itself, and trust that what is happening inside of it is happening for a reason. I desire to refrain from thinking about the things that I can't work out in my head...and focus on what I know I feel.

I desire to follow the one calling in life that I know I have for so long dismissed.

"I don't concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me. But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord - now and always."

Psalm 131: 1b-3

Now or Later, and somewhere in between...

2007-01-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking.

I think over the course of everyones life there comes a point when there comes a general sense of what you want to do with your life. And notice that I said general...because sometimes I think you can never really know for sure.

Or can you? I mean...(i'm about to start ranting)...I've been thinking for the past year that I really want to become a doctor. My reasonings for this exist because I love studying about the body, and about sickness...and I really want to help people. And truthfully, learning about the body is just one of those things that makes me see how great God is. And, obviously, there are more reasons than those, but you get the idea. But, then there is this other side of me that just wants to go. And by go I mean leave...I feel like I have this calling to go elsewhere...to not be here...to pick up and go...and sometimes I feel like I need to do that right now.

And then I wonder...do I go? Do I take a year off and see what it's like? Or do I stick out the next what seems like it's going to be 80 years of my life in school...and then go? I've thought about study abroad...I've thought about trying a YWAM...I've thought about just doing missions for a year...I've thought about all these different things in hopes that I will know what this is going on inside me.

Because, honestly...it feels like a war. I just want to go...and yet I know that right now I'm in school.

Last night at church, a girl spoke who is leaving for Thailand in May for an indefinite amount of time. She talked, and I can't even describe to you how much I wished I was her. I'm not even kidding, I would have dropped everything I was doing to leave and do what she was doing. She talked about how Jesus asks us to follow him, and how when we do he will make us fishers of men. Not 'you'll become fishers after you do this and that, and if you work real hard'. No, if I follow Him, He will make me one. And then I think, is this desire something that I need to act on right now? Is this following Him? Or is it just for...future reference?!

You know, there is that verse..."delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"...and truthfully...the closer I feel to Jesus the more I want to go.

I don't really know what I'm getting at...I just know that the logistical side of me...the side of me that is practical...the side of me that worries... that side of me holds me back because I'm scared I'm doing something wrong if I was to just go and follow this crazy desire inside me. I'm scared of what others will think...mainly my family...those who I know want to see me succeed.

And yet, the very prospect that it makes me scared makes me want to do it even more. If I've learned anything in the past year...it is that risks are a good thing.

And truthfully, what defines success?

Really...this thing called life scares me...mainly because I so badly want what God wants for me...but at the same time I really can't work out whats going on inside my heart...and if God wants me to do missions, be a doctor...or do it all at the same time.

I think I know this much...I know I want to do ministry through missions to different parts of the world...I guess I just don't know whether that's going to happen in a year, or in seven...or maybe the summers in between?

The end of a (relatively short) era...

2007-01-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

I quit starbucks.

I know...part of me is sad...no more cheap drinks...and the ability to give free coffee to people (ahem...mark and carmen...and others...) will be gone...my calcium intake will severely decrease...and, most of all...i'll officially be an extremely poor student.

But...i know this was the right decision. A friend of mine laughed after i told him that I quit after a day into the semester...this semester is going to be crazy, though! I have five full science courses...well, 4 full science courses, and one language course...and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck without the added stress of crazy customers who want their drinks a certain way and will talk to me like i don't speak english, and as if i'm deaf all at the same time.

Honestly though, I know this is a good decision for better reasons than those listed above. On sunday night at church, my pastor left us with the challenge of figuring out whether God was asking us to start, or stop, doing something that we're doing. Kind of broad...but I was automatically hit with the topic of how i spend my money. I've realized that, when i'm in a position of making money, I will freely spend it...and most of the time the recipient of the 'spendage' is none other than yours truly. Interestingly enough, it was after I decided that I was going to refrain from spending excess money on myself (ie. buying clothes...a rather massive hobby of mine) for the next however many months, that I made my decision to quit my job. Part of my hesitancy to quit arose in the fear that I wouldn't have any money to feed my materialistic habits...and then it hit me...I had just made a promise to Jesus to (try to) stop that.

Hmmm...funny how He works. Anyways, I've decided that this is, in a way, a step of faith for me...because not only was i challenged to refrain from spending money on myself, but I was also challenged to up my tithing. If there is one thing that I suck at horribly, it is tithing. So, here i am, now in a position of making no money...well, very little (i teach piano once a week)...and I'm challenged to tithe more. Needless to stay, this will be interesting...but at the same time, I'm excited to learn and to grow through this challenge.

So...my last day at the bux is next monday. Part of me feels bad for leaving...but I think i'll get over it, when I realize how much more time I will have for school, others, myself, and most importantly, Jesus...who ironically seems to be the first to go when i get busy and stressed.

Home, again.

2007-01-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

well...Christmas vacation is officially over...and tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will head off to school. I can't believe how fast the last two weeks went...it truly feels like I just walked out of my last exam. But it was so much fun to be back together with my whole family.

I can't think of much to say about my expectations for this year...maybe that's because I really have no idea what God has in store, or maybe it's just because I'm jet lagged and my mind isn't really working all that well. Probably a bit of both.

What i do know is that this year is like a fresh start. I think there are some crazy things coming, and i'm pretty pumped about them. I'm so excited to grow more, learn more, and experience Jesus in ways I haven't before.

so...Happy New Year, everyone.

Thailand...

2007-01-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

Thailand...possibly one of the best countries i have ever travelled to...
first pic -- this man was a member of the Karen Tribe we visited in the mountains out of Chiang mai...
second pic -- a mother and her son....same tribe...all of the children were so cute...
third pic -- mom and i at a cultural dinner on our last night in Chiang Mai
fourth pic -- one of the many interestingly worded signs of Thailand.

more thailand...

2007-01-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

some more...
first pic -- ordering banana and chocolate roti from a stand on the side of the street at the night market in Chiang mai
second pic -- jon and i being dumb as per usual... i think that was the last night before we left Koh samui...
third pic --that was on a hike to a waterfall up in the mountains outside of chiang mai...
fourth pic -- playing volleyball in the pool at our hotel in koh samui...
fifth pic -- playing friz on the beach with jonny...

still more Thailand...

2007-01-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

Thailand...completely out of order...
first pic -- jon and i on our elephant 'Evan'...(we named him that...suited his personality...)...at an elephant 'farm' outside of chiangmai.
second -- at Wat Prathat Doi Suthep (a buddhist temple) on the mountain side outside of chiangmai.
third -- some kids trying to sell us random objects on the beach of koh samui...and carmen.
fourth -- foot massages. oh...did i mention it only cost $2 for an hour?

The Via Ferrata

2006-12-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

Two things happen after you spend a day suspended by two ropes and some wire 100 metres above the ground:
1. Your arms hurt more than you've ever experienced before.
2. You have mysterious dreams that you are falling from the side of a mountain while you are asleep.
Yesterday was probably one of the most thrilling days of my life. For five straight hours,
Mark, Jon, Carmen, and I, along with 8 others, dangled by a mere metre of rope and a couple of carabeners from the side of the "Snake Gorge" on a mountain, scaling a course known as the "Via Ferrata". Via Ferratas exist mainly in Oman and Italy...and they used to serve as passageways for soldiers to transport equipment through the mountains.

Well...i can't even fathom carrying more than my own weight through the gorge...however, my arms are pretty scronny.

So, anyways...the pictures you see are of us four and some other randoms clinging to the side of a gorge roughly 100 metres above the ground.
The 'adventure' also consisted of 3 zip lines and a monkey bridge which served as our means of getting from one side of the gorge to the other.
I'll admit, I'm afraid of heights...and to be quite honest, the entire thing felt like a dream. I still can't believe I did it. Carmen and I continually referred to ourselves as being in a state of denial...I'm pretty sure that's what got me through.
But to be honest, it was so sweet to experience it with my brothers and sister. This may sound nerdy, but I truly think it made us appreciate our differences, and really taught us, in a short
time, how to encourage one another when we were panicked.

Wait, let me rephrase that...it really taught my brothers how to, in a short time, encourage me and Carmen when we were in states of panic.

My mom asked me today if I would do it again ...well, it was a very interesting way to spend my Christmas eve day, however...I'm pretty sure I'd do it again at the drop of a hat.
Or maybe I've had my first taste of living adventurously...and now I'm just going to have to go out and do some more daring things...

don't tell my mom.

Finally here.

2006-12-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

All i can say, really, is 'heck yes'. Thanks to Jonny for such an artistic picture ... We all arrived (all but one suitcase) into Muscat last night at midnight Oman time ... turned out to be a 24 hour long trip ... (of which there are a few very funny stories) ... pretty long ... but well worth it. My parents are great...and obviously were rediculously excited to see us. It's so good to be here...all of the family together...it's gonna be a rad Christmas. It feels oddly like home...this house half way around the world...

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to conquer my fear of heights...we're climbing a gorge and doing a zip line across it...yikes! more to come...

only two more sleeps.

2006-12-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, possibly on one of my last study breaks of this year of school...2006, that is. I've got myself a bowl of the best studying food ever...Annie's macaroni...and I'm doing what I do a lot lately...ponder at just how insanely crammed full of information my brain actually is, and exactly how incredibly excited I am that in 27.5 hours, I will not only be finished exams, but will be getting my sore little feet and ravaged little hands prepared for a holiday with my sister Carmen...and, aside from what else we might end up doing...will be enjoying my last sleep in this frost infected country of Canada.
After another long (well, actually incredibly short) 4.5 months, my entire family will be together again...and I am so pumped. Living out on my own for what really has felt like the first time in my life has been quite the experience, and I'm glad to have Betty with me. I find myself longing, however, for times when I was back in high school...Carmen and I were talking yesterday just about how excited it will be to hear "dinner is ready"...or to actually wake up to my parents already downstairs...to play games all together, or to drink coffee and baileys around the Christmas tree while my dad reads a book, and mom meddles around the house to music...or for experiencing the care that you really don't get when your parents live half way around the world. I miss them terribly. And I know that with them gone I have been forced to grow up in a way that I don't think I would have with them here. I have learned so much more of who I am, and what I need to change in my life...and I am thankful.
But I am more than ecstatic to walk through that gate on Friday night and see them there...see my dad half crying and my mom smiling as usual.
Only two exams left.
Love.

Have you ever kissed a camel?

2006-12-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have.

And honestly, you might be disgusted (in fact, I'm sure you are...I kind of am too), but they have really soft lips.

Oh dear...well...I didn't begin this blog to talk about my weird endeavors...

I was just looking through my pictures and I got super excited because in exactly two weeks today, I will be finished exams, and on a plane with my two brothers and my sister-in-law, on the way to see our parents in Oman.

I can't wait.

However, I must first endure a german test, a german final, a chemistry final, a biology final, and a calculus final. Great, eh? Oh well. I think I'll make it...atleast I hope I will.

Other interesting news? Well, I phoned the cable company to cancel the free cable that they were giving me for a month (the month was over and I didn't want to start paying)...anyways, to make a long story short...someone at shaw forgot to cancel it, and I still have cable...which is great cuz I can still watch Grey's and oprah (yes, i watch oprah)...but horrible because I also need to study.

I went to see the movie 'Babel'...with Brad Pitt and some other yahoos. It was good, alot like the movie 'crash'...however, it had some really weird parts, including full female nudity...so that threw me off....a lot. Funny how it was only rated 14A. Oh, Canada.

Um...I'm reading the 'Harry Potter' books. Ya, yah...i know...but they are so incredibly good. But I'll admit, I feel a bit childish walking around campus with books that have wizards and boys on brooms cartooned all over the covers...(I do my best to conceal them). Betty also reads them, and back in June she bought the latest one, got about half way through, turned from page 250 to what you would assume to be page 251, and oh...page 75. Isn't that funny. Well, I recently bought the first one, and was about half way through, turning from page 128 to what I would assume to be 129, and oh...page 78. Needless to say, either the publishers are completely illiterate, or they just happen to have no idea what they're doing. Wouldn't be surprised with either cases, actually.

Dancing continues to be great, and Starbucks is good...except that my hands seem to smell like coffee 24/7...which is rather interesting. And I'm pretty sure that i'll never develop Osteoperosis, because I drink a ton of milk...

Oh, and one last really weird story. I have this necklace that says my name in Arabic. Last week I was doing homework at none other than starbucks (at school)...and all of the sudden this guy has come up behind me, leaned over my books and is staring at...my necklace...which was kind of awkward, and by kind of I mean really, because I didn't really clue in right away that he was staring at my necklace if you know what I mean. Anyways, I jumped back, and he was startled...(no kidding), and I said "Hello!"...rather forcefully (atleast I'd like to think I did). Then he started off into a little rant about seeing me walk by and noticing my necklace and not being sure whether it was what he thought it was...."uh huh"...I said. He asked me if I was from the middle east and I said my parents were...anyways, turns out he spoke arabic and my necklace actually says 'Kasleen'...ha ha. I guess they couldn't write out the 'th' in silver because it has three dots on it or something. So, the whole situation turned out ok, however, you would think someone might rather come up and say "excuse me, I noticed your necklace while you walked by...do you mind if I look at it?"...instead of just coming up and just STARING at it...ha ha.

Well, that's all...I'll be off to study deutch. Auf Wiedersehen!

My Beteeny.

2006-11-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Last sunday evening, Beteens and I went to her staff Christmas party. I have always loved getting dressed up in fancy dresses and doing my hair nice... Almost every year I've had a reason to do so, and this year I was a little bit dissapointed that maybe the opportunity to do so wouldn't present itself...but then Bets invited me to go along with her to her party...Have I mentioned that I love her?

ha ha...actually, that reminds me...I haven't...not on my blog, anyway. And to tell you the truth I probably don't do it enough in life either.

Beteens has been exactly what I have needed in the past 7 months that we have lived together.

Sure, we fight and annoy the heck out of each other... and to tell you the truth, it's pretty funny when our little squabbles happen... because I think we're both pretty stubborn people. But she has taught me so much about myself, and has helped the real me come back out of the shell that I lived in for so long.

Betty is beautiful. Not just in appearance, but in her soul. I have never onced doubted that Betty loves me...or that she would give anything for me. Why? Because when I cry, Betty cries. When I laugh, Betty laughs. When I sing...Betty says "sing louder". When I get mad, Betty lets me vent. When I'm excited, Betty gets pretty dang excited too.

When I feel like my life is school, Betty will come into my room and say, "Kathleen, you are actually the smartest person I know". When I feel rediculously unattractive, Betty will say, "Kathleen do you even understand how beautiful you are?" When I feel like dancing and doing actions to John Mayer in our hallway (which happens frequently), she'll stand there and laugh, saying "Work it..." When I feel tired and weak, and like I have absolutely no more energy left inside me, she will climb up the ladder to my bed, stroke my hair and pray with me...and sometimes she'll even sing me to sleep.

Betty is beautiful. She has this incredible heart for Jesus and for others that I have seen in only a few of the people I have ever known. When she sings, I smile...because her voice is phenomenal, and she doesn't hold back.
She is such an encourager...and that is something that I suck at. She is such a listener...also something I don't do to well at. And I know she prays for me because that is the type of person she is...when she loves someone...she lifts them up to Jesus.

Betty, I know I don't tell you enough...but I love you, and I love living with you. I'll be sad when we don't live together anymore, but I hope you know that you'll be welcome to come to my house and sing, and run up and down the hallways in your crazy-like manner. You are a phenomenal woman, and I have so much respect for you. Thank you for being my friend.

One year later...

2006-11-22T00:29:00.000-07:00

Can you believe the year is almost over?

One month till we all make those new years resolutions that so many of us do so well at keeping (jokes)...one month until christmas will be pretty much over and january will begin...one month till the hectic new year comes crashing through the door and all we can do is stare at it in the face hoping that God will give us the most strength possible to deal with what might come.

November 19th marked a pretty significant day for me. It made me wonder what next year will bring. You see, now I'm baffled about life, because once you think something is going to happen and it doesn't, you wonder what will ever happen in life, and if the measly little idea you have about your life is even remotely close to the broad, yet incredibly specific, picture that God has.

But you know, sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean a lot of times) I worry when I wonder. I don't know why I do...I think because maybe that's me trying to take control and I can't do it...so I get scared.

So, I've decided to enjoy this Christmas by not pondering what next year will bring. Obviously I have no clear idea... so why waste my time thinking about it, right?

I think instead, I'm going to sit by my christmas tree... and reflect on what has happened in my life during this past year. And rather than worrying about how I'm going to deal with everything in the year to come (because I'm slowly beginning to realize that I don't have to), I will use my time to think about how unbelievably supportive and loving my family, my friends, and, most importantly, Jesus has been through it all.

I need some insight...

2006-11-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

My crazy week is over. Don't get me wrong... I don't see the finish line quite yet...but I'm feeling surprisingly more light hearted than I was last week at this time...kind of like this picture...although I was in Hawaii when that was taken...I'm not quit that happy...considering I'm much more pale and much less warm.
But I have a question. This is going to seem random and maybe it won't make sense...but it's because I'm trying to keep it out of the context of the situation. I'm making it general, even though the concern itself is completely valid and applicable to my life.
I need your thoughts...so, whoever reads this...let me know what you think.

You know when you have gone through a part of your life and you may have acted a certain way, not knowing that how you were acting was affecting the people around you? Ok, well...lets say I did that. Lets just say I did that to the extreme. Perhaps I may have apologized whole heartedly to the person I hurt. Perhaps I may have apolized to God and accepted his grace. However, there is still this conviction inside of me that is screaming to me that something isn't resolved. Part of me wonders if I didn't apologize with enough sincerity the first time....or that I did it with the wrong motives. But I think I had sincerity and the right motives. Part of me wonders if God needs more than what I gave...if my understanding of who I was and how I needed to change (correction: need to change)...wasn't enough. But I think God has grace for that.
I worry daily that the people I have hurt haven't forgiven me...or worse, I worry daily that the person who I was is still fighting to come out again. I feel regret about something I have done...I feel remorseful about a large part of my life that I can't take back...and yet I can't put my finger on how to fix it.
So, to make it clear...I don't understand why I feel this way. I have this conviction, and I can't figure out why. And to tell you the truth, it eats at me and eats at me...until I can't think.
The reality is that I don't like who I was, and I worry that I am still like that...but once again, as before, I am failing to see it.
I talked with a friend of mine and he mentioned that he thinks I feel this way because maybe I haven't forgiven myself. As I result I am beating myself up and sucking myself dry because I'm putting all my energy into trying to fix what I have done wrong instead of just accepting it and embracing the fact that I am forgiven and that I am loved.
But so much of my trust has been broken that I have so much trouble believing that there is grace...even from God.
The problem is I don't know how to be less critical about myself... I don't know how to forgive myself for something that seems so out of my character, even though it seemed to be my character for so long.
I'm open to learn from you, so if you have any thoughts... let me know.

Regarding last week...

2006-11-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

So you know how you can have times in your life where it feels like you just don't know what is going on or what to do about your situation...ie:

"if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now."

That was me, last saturday. And low and behold, Sunday night rolls around and I head off to church only to listen to a message that I'm pretty sure was aimed directly at me. My pastor talked about grace...and not just how we perceive it today, but the context of it in Roman times.

The meaning of grace was depicted by a circular dance between three people...the first person being the benefactor of the second, and the second receiving from the first...and so on and so on. Grace comes in when we look at the third person. That person has means to the first person through the second person...(are you confused yet?). So in a sense, as my pastor put it, the second person is the mediator of the relationship between the giver and the final receiver. In turn, those who receiver from the Giver are to respond by giving back...whether through gratitude, appreciative acts...or whatever.

So unless you don't see the parallel, let me draw it for you...God would be the giver...Jesus is the mediator...and I'm that third person. Here's the catch, when the third person, being me in this case, doesn't act in response to God, we are breaking the dance, and therefore are unable to experience grace.

Funny that it took a dance metaphor for me to clue in. I have been breaking the dance for so long. My time with God in the past months has been so minimal that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've gotten so wrapped up in controlling my life that I forgot to bring it before God before I even approach my day...let alone week, or year.

My desire is this: that I would experience the love of God. And I don't mean that in the cliche sense...I mean that I want to know God like a lover. I knew this type of relationship when my engagement was called off...God became all I actually had. But I've let go of that because of my busy life and by self focus. I want to be pursued by Jesus.

So, even though life might scare the crap out of me right now, I have realized (for the thousandth time) that I am not alone. Although I might let go of Jesus' hand in the dance of grace, he isn't going to let go of mine.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

your perfect love is casting out fear.

Even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life,

I won't turn back, I know you are near.

And I will fear no evil,

For my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear.

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

a glorious light beyond all compare.

There will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes,

I'll live to know you here on this earth.

And I will fear no evil,

for my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

and there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that comes,

I will praise you.

Yeah, I will praise you."

~Matt Redman~

I think that song kind of sums it all up.

It's quarter to midnight, and all I can do is think.

2006-11-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

My blogs have a continuous theme it seems.

First, let me get one thing straight...I'm not complaining about what I'm about to write about. And I can't complain, because I know that if I didn't come through this stage in life at some point -- this stage where I batter my mind with thoughts, I wouldn't be normal. But seriously, I am honestly always thinking about life. Thinking about so much. And I know that this is characteristic of this stage in life...this awkward stage in life...but sometimes I think...am I actually normal? Because I think I wonder about life alot more than the next person.

So, I have come to two conclusions. (Bear with me because I know this isn't making any sense quite yet...I'll get to my point.)

My first conclusion is that I am not normal. And that is ok. In fact, who is normal? What is normal? Does normal mean having it all together and never worrying about what to do next and never wondering about why life is the way it is, and always being sure of who you are and being confident of what life has in store for you? Because if that is what normal is, then for one, I've never met anyone normal, and two, I don't want to be normal. Because in that case, "normal" people are boring. "Normal" people have it all together. "Normal" people are void of all mystery and chaos, which in my mind, are two things that make people completely dependent and in need of God.

Ok, my second conclusion is that John Mayer is actually lyrically brilliant. Random, I know...however he has written a song that I think perfectly outlines the thoughts that I can't seem to understand in my own head.

"No, I'm not color blind. I know the world is black and white.
Try to keep an open mind, but I just can't sleep on this tonight...
Stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can...
But honestly, won't someone stop this train.
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go.
One generations length away from finding life out on my own.
Stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can...
But honestly, won't someone stop this train.
So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life's just begun.
Had a talk with my old man. I said, 'Help me understand.'
He said, 'turn sixty-eight, then renegotiate. Don't stop this train,
don't for a minute judge the place you're in.
And don't think I couldn't ever understand.
I've tried my hand, and honestly,
you'll never stop this train.'..."

Yep. So, the fact that John Mayer is a great musician is undoubtedly quite obvious and isn't really one of my life conclusions. However, aside from my many random, small, and insignificant conclusions that I make on a day to day basis that, at the time, seem so mind-blowing and life changing, I have come to the conclusion that I don't have any conclusions. In fact, I can't make any conclusions. Why? Because how can I make a conclusion about why my life is the way it is, or why I'm here or what I'm doing right now, when my life has really only just started? Doesn't it take an end to make a conclusion about it? Making a conclusion in my life at this point regarding my life right now would, in my opinion, be selling myself short of what is to come. Making a conclusion about life right now would be selling myself short of a life that is lived not knowing what God has planned. Making a conclusion about life right now would be taking my life into my hands with my own expectations and forgetting that God is the one who makes the life conclusions for me.

Ok, so maybe I don't make any sense...but I'm ok with that. To be honest, I have to be ok with that. Because right now there are too many other things to think about. Like the fact that, if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now. But I think that's how he wants it right now because it's making me think and ponder and wonder and get angry and get sad and get excited...all because I don't know and He does. And that makes me trust Him.

I need sleep...(can you tell?)...and I think I've gotta try and think a little less.

World's Worst Recipe: Biology, Calculus, and Chemistry -- with a side of German

2006-10-26T19:21:00.000-06:00

I have had my first official panic attack of the year...and it happened on tuesday night.

I've never liked tuesdays. Bad things happen on tuesdays. Does anyone agree? Well, in the space of one hour last tuesday, as I sat in the law library at school, I realized that I had not only forgotten to register for my chemistry exam, but I had also forgotten to order my lab kit which contains the means of completing the 10 labs that I (wait for it) DIDN'T know about...
oh and on top of that, I realized that within the same week I have my biggest biology lab due, as well as my bio oral project, and my final german project...oh, and wait, that's only a week after my calculus midterm...which is, conveniently of course, only a week after my chemistry midterm, which is, also conveniently, only a week after my bio midterm, which, conveniently, is on saturday.

I'm tired. Really tired. And, you know... I do it to myself. I cried on the phone after asking my mom to call me (from Greece...thanks mom)...and was given the usual words..."everything's gonna be alright, you'll make it... just breath." The funny thing is that I knew that all along. But for some weird reason it took hearing it from someone else for it to actually register.

So, after my crying and shaking fit, in which I frantically wondered what it is that I'm actually trying to accomplish in life, why exactly it seems like nothing is going how I need it to go, and why i feel like the only one in my position, I got into bed with my journal and Jesus and began to write...

"I think my stress has something to do with the fact that I have not sat here with you in a while...and I feel like when I do come I just have this child wish list of all the things I need you to fix..."

Sometimes I feel bad about going to God like that. But the reality is that there are so many aspects to His character...he is a lover, he is a friend, he is a companion...he is a father. And on tuesday night (and pretty much every night) I approached him as the child that I am...needy, selfish, and sometimes really stupid and really horrible at time management.

But the picture I get of God during times like these is that he smiles, tears up with me a little bit, maybe gives that fatherly chuckle, then takes my hand and says "everything's gonna be all right, we'll make it...just breath." And then it all makes sense again.

It snowed.

2006-10-17T15:23:00.000-06:00

i woke up yesterday morning to a pleasant surprise. Snow.

if you know anything about me, you know i love Christmas... and love is an understatement. Snow reminds me of christmas...so yesterday put me in the mood for white lights, sweaters, cold evenings, and rosy cheeks...the smell of cinnamon and peppermint, gingerbread cookies, and of course, Christmas music. A little early, you might think? well, yes....it is. However, i usually start listening to christmas music in July (sorry Betty...), so this excitement seems right on time for me.
this year has somewhat of a different look to it, though. and maybe that is why it's on my mind so much. i don't know who reads my blog...but i'm guessing many of you know the story of my past year...know why i no longer live in manitoba...why i'm still sporting the last name Hamm.
i never thought i'd write about this on my blog.
Christmas last year brought excitement in a way that was so much better than presents. Christmas last year brought things like new family, diamond rings, and planning...but most of all, it brought love.
Once you get engaged, it's like you live in oblivion for a little while...everything is great... everything is like christmas.
But you know that feeling of when Christmas is over and you have to go back to school, and the homework hits, and life gets ugly because there is still snow on the ground and it is still cold but all you have to look forward to are midterms?
That happened to me. But not with school...with love. I hope people only experience the former situation (which i think is inevitable), because the latter is no fun at all.
Christmas came and went, and so did my engagment. Almost exactly 8 months ago the planning ended...the fairy tale came to an abrupt halt.
And so it might seem that life ended for me. And it did seem that way for a while. A long while. But over these months God has helped me to realize that maybe my fairy tale wasn't the one He had planned...(and believe me, this has taken some convincing). God has shown me that our relationship wasn't wrong because he was a bad person and did everything wrong, or because I was a bad person and did everything wrong. I know this because I know that we are both good people, and that we both made mistakes. The relationship wasn't right because we were not right for eachother...God has someone better for each of us.
And now I am thankful...for two things: that the man I was with will have the chance to find that love and joy that God has planned...and that I now have that same chance.
Christmas will look different this year. I'll miss my old almost second family...I'll miss the look of a small town decorated in lights...I'll miss playing piano for the local church choir... I'll miss going on dates where we went iceskating, shopped in crazy busy stores, and went for coffee. I'll miss investing my love in another person, and feeling that love in return.
But this newness is drawing me in and I'm excited still. Excited to put up my new nativity scene, excited to decorate the apartment and get a christmas tree...excited to be loved...maybe not by a man on this earth...but by Him.
...I'm going to go finish baking my gingersnaps...

twenty-one and counting.

2006-10-10T13:33:00.000-06:00

well...one more year has gone by...and i must say that it was quite an eventful one. never really thought i'd be at this place in my life at the age of twenty one...but here i am.
how is it? (as everyone has asked me...the famous birthday question)...well, no different really. And yet, so different. sometimes i feel like i know nothing for my age, and yet...sometimes i feel like i know and have experienced far too much.
what should i have accomplished by now in life?? honestly...sometimes i wonder if there isn't some universal life guideline that we're all really supposed to be following. sometimes i think i stop and sit by the flowers too much...sometimes i think i don't sit enough. I don't want to miss what God has for me in life, and yet sometimes I find that I am so wrapped up in my plans that I fail to even think about His.
and sometimes I wish these years were already gone...i wish i was done school and that the place that my life was at was one of more contribution to the world...one of greater accomplishment...one of greater faith.
but really...this is the journey isn't it? I mean...these past seven months have been the craziest seven months of my whole twenty one years...but i wouldn't trade them for anything. The journey is the hardest part...and I think it's because it comes with all of the learning. I don't know how many times I've said that I hate growing up and that I wish I could be 15 again...when mom and dad did everything, and all i had to worry about was math homework, dance practice, playing piano, and getting 8 hours of sleep. Now there is so much more to do and to think about, and I have to do it all with much less sleep, and much less help. I cry a lot more, and I laugh a lot harder. And I've learned how to take things a bit more light heartedly...like not doing so well on an exam, or getting a parking ticket, or spilling coffee all over myself...and all at the same time I will wonder for hours why life has to be so hard...like why is there cancer, and broken relationships, and long distance.

"This day's been crazy but everything's happened on schedule,

from the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.

But you knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden...

and you knew this day long before you made me outta dirt, yeah.

And you know the plans that you have for me,

and you can't plan the ends and not plan the means...

And so I suppose I just need some peace,

just to get me to sleep."

~Caedmons Call

That's my theme song. I guess the point is that I have never felt so independent and, at the same time, so dependent on God in all of my life.
So my main question/desire for this year is continuing to learn how to live by God's faithfulness. He really does have this whole journey thing planned out. And the funny part is that this journey won't end till he calls me home.
So, considering that hasn't happened yet... i guess there are still some things to learn...and a few more birthdays to celebrate.
maybe I'll make more sense as I get older...ha ha.
p.s. -- thank you mom and dad for the flowers...

some pink, some rain, and four pairs of running shoes...

2006-10-01T13:40:00.000-06:00

so last thursday i randomly checked in my agenda and there was this add for the "CIBC Run for the Cure"...and I thought to myself....hm, Kathleen...maybe you should do that. So, I called up the rest of my family that is with me in this country, and said....hey kids, wanna run 5km in support of breast cancer?...and they said yes. So, this morning, I got up quite early and strapped on the running shoes, trudged over to the other Hamm household and we got in a car and drove down to Southcentre mall, where there were a lot of other people, and, much to our surprise (kidding), a lot of pink. The pictures came out in the wrong order...the first pic is actually when we were done the race...we were soaked. Yep, it was pouring...great running weather. But aside from that, it was such a great experience. I'd never done anything like it before and I was actually amazed at how many people came out...tons! and I mean toonnnnnssss. It was a pretty cool thing to support not only the general cause by running for breast cancer, but also to run more specifically for our mom, who battled with the disease only two years ago.
speaking of my mom...she's doing well....well, sort of well. after arriving back in muscat on tuesday last week, she seemed in good spirits, although she mentioned that she was a bit sore. Um, naturally, I said. But...I guess just how sore she was was a little unusual, because out of the blue on friday, she and my dad had to make a rush trip back to dubai. She had fluid build up and early signs of infection...which is really bad news because they pretty much have to start from square one if infection sets in. Thankfully, the doctor performed surgery early enough that she's ok...but my dad had to go back to work and so she is by herself in dubai...no complaints from her though. She phoned me to ask me how I'm doing...ha...well, mom...
anyways, just thought i'd give a little update. hope you like the pics...oh, incase you don't know my family....that's (from left to right in the top pic) -- jon (middle brother), me, carmen (sister in law), and Mark (oldest brother). good times....i guess i kinda like my family...

the woman i call mom...

2006-09-21T17:42:00.000-06:00

have i ever mentioned that i love my mom? undoubtedly, my mom is one of the best people i know. if you ever want to know what it's like to have an uncanny ability to keep intouch with people, or take care of people, or just sit and listen to people...you should talk to judy. she will do anything for anybody at the drop of a hat...like help me practice german on the phone when she calls from oman...or plant a tree of plumerias in oman because she knows they're my favorite flower..she'll forget about herself so that others needs can be met...and she doesn't do it for anything in return...she does it because she actually wants to.
I think I could learn a lot from my mom. she's pretty good at the whole "second greatest commandment: love your neighbour" thing...which is something that I've been convicted on a lot lately.
she went in for her second mastectomy on tuesday. Her first was two years ago when she battled with breast cancer. that's another great part about my mom...she's a survivor. and I don't mean that in the over-used "I'm a cancer survivor" label sense...i mean that she is using her experience of dealing with cancer, for one, to really dive into her relationship with Jesus, and two, to help others...she isn't just getting by, forgetting that she ever dealt with it and accepting the fact that she got through. She is constantly making herself aware of how she might help others, including myself, become more aware...so that maybe one day others won't have go through what she had to. she survives the hardship of what she went through by helping bring joy to others in their trials.
and truly...i don't know about any other women out there...but i think that if I had that portion of my body cut off...I'd complain about life. no...i don't think i'd complain...i know i would. but i never once heard my mom even utter a care about the issue. Sure...she's older and maybe those parts aren't as great at that age...but if you're a woman...you're a woman. plain and simple.
i guess it just kinda hit me today how crazy amazing my mother actually is. and I know that I fail day in and day out to make her feel that way.
so, if you're reading this, mama...i love you. and i think you are really, really great.

why am I in school...

2006-09-13T20:52:00.000-06:00

...when all i want to be doing is that (note: see picture). Man, what a good night that was...all I can say is I love german culture...leiderhosen... and well, aside from other things I won't mention, random hat dances. To anyone reading this who knows what I'm talking about and was there that night (note 2: see picture...) I miss you so much that I would actually drive right now to come and see you. But hey, Cake in october? Heck yes.
No, to be honest, it is good to be back into the books. Even though my classes are huge (well, except for german...yes...german pulls through once again)...my profs are great and I've been managing to find my way around at the U...(well, today i sat in on the wrong lecture...but that's a whole different story). I really should be doing homework right now...but hey, Bio can wait. It's just reading anyways, right? ha ha...don't quote me on that, because I actually do want to do well this year.
Aside from the obvious happenings of my life (aka: school)...I'm also helping at my old irish dance school...teaching "wee little runts" how to do their reels and jigs...and I'm having a blast. At one point this evening I had four 6-year olds jumping all over me...it was a little hectic, but other than my two sore feet (and maybe a raspy voice)...I'm alive.
Anyways, I'm off to do what I should be doing. And once again...you girls in the picture...careful around people with red haired wigs...and if you can, try and get the back of the bus to burst out into song again. Love you.

i don't know what to title this entry...

2006-09-05T15:52:00.000-06:00

banff is such a great place if you feel like being bombarded by tourists, eating good food and drinking good beer at the pubs, shopping in stores that are way overpriced, and of course... eating fudge. that is my friend jolene (and me) sitting in the classic spot overlooking the bow river at the banff springs hotel...and below would be a picture of yours truly immitating some interesting tourists who, sporting not one, but two peace signs, thought it would be fun to take a picture infront of the oh-so-picturesque store-front backdrop of banff...much to my and jolene's confusion(ha ha). Jolene came out from winnipeg for the weekend and we had a blast (i miss you, crazy girl!)...and i spent way too much money shopping for things i didn't need. oh well...
speaking of spending too much money...let me tell you a little story. So...this morning, after dropping Jolene off at the airport at the unearthly hour of five o'clock am...i found myself at the university doing what every university student is probably thinking about doing right now...buying textbooks. And let me tell you that I was only purchasing books for three courses...THREE COURSES...and the total sum?? $550. Yep...for i think five textbooks. So...I whipped out my little debit card and felt the hit in the bank account...and then waddled my way back to my car with all my bags...only to find a little white slip of paper folded nicely underneath my right windshield wiper telling me that I owed $40 to the parking authorities for parking too close to a fire hydrant. I was ticked...but I paid it. And now I'm officially poor...and i haven't even paid for tuition yet.
ha ha...the life of a student. sometimes i actually want to shoot myself.

some time alone...

2006-08-26T18:13:00.000-06:00

ahhh...the feeling of being done another summer job. Well...i must admit that driving for 8 hours everyday did feel better than working in a factory and being severely burned like i did last summer...but, i guess the crazy kathy inside me couldn't handle being "out of work"...so I headed my butt right over to starbucks and applied there. Ha ha...oooohhhh, starbucks.
What is it about that place that makes me so addicted?? Honestly, I think if I added up how much i've spent there in the past, say, 5 months...it'd probably total over a few hundred dollars. Shoot, eh? Could have done way better things with that money...like feed a small country...but I chose to spend it on coffee.
There is something wrong with that. I often say that starbucks is going to take over the world...along with walmart...and I'm only helping that happen.
My mind is weird. But I have enjoyed my time at the place with that haunting little green sign. For some reason it's my favorite place to sit down and journal...or read. If you don't get out on your own for coffee...get into the habit of doing it. It's seriously some of the best time you'll ever spend. I never used to do it...but now I can't not.
This is a bit of a random entry. Maybe deep inside of me I just feel the need to tell people that it's ok to go spend some time alone. I'm on this (endless) road right now of figuring out who I am...and for some reason it takes removing myself from familiar surroundings and the people that I know in order to reflect on what is going on in my life. You should try it...and maybe you already do...
plus, i think people who sit and read by themselves in coffee shops are really cool...ha ha. Maybe that's my true underlying motive.
Man...I'm such a nerd.

a name like kathy...

2006-08-12T16:18:00.000-06:00

so...i think i've actually only ever let 3 people in my entire life call me kathy...one of them being my beautiful roommate betty...whom i might add was the one who suckered me into
this whole blogging life...which i actually think is quite an attractive one...i've just
always deemed myself too busy for it.
Alas, I am not. And here I am. So, I hope you have fun figuring out with me why I'm not a kathy...
If you feel like letting me know what your take on a kathy is...feel free to comment.
I'll give you a little insight on my version of her...
kathy is a tall, well-built woman who takes pride in her long brown locks which she has frequently styled in the typical 80's haircut. She just loves her supreme puff bangs and quite often chooses to accent their effect with...you guessed it...blue eyeshadow. Kathy really can't get enough of Northern reflections and their crew necked sweatshirts with dogs painted on the front...and she really does like a good game of shuffleboard...(seeing as she's from southern florida and "just loves ya'll so darn much"...)
So there she is. And, maybe i'm mistaken but i think that's far from who I am...which is why I will never introduce myself as...ha ha... kathy.
(sorry to anyone who might have that name...)