Now or Later, and somewhere in between...
So, I've been thinking.
I think over the course of everyones life there comes a point when there comes a general sense of what you want to do with your life. And notice that I said general...because sometimes I think you can never really know for sure.
Or can you? I mean...(i'm about to start ranting)...I've been thinking for the past year that I really want to become a doctor. My reasonings for this exist because I love studying about the body, and about sickness...and I really want to help people. And truthfully, learning about the body is just one of those things that makes me see how great God is. And, obviously, there are more reasons than those, but you get the idea. But, then there is this other side of me that just wants to go. And by go I mean leave...I feel like I have this calling to go elsewhere...to not be here...to pick up and go...and sometimes I feel like I need to do that right now.
And then I wonder...do I go? Do I take a year off and see what it's like? Or do I stick out the next what seems like it's going to be 80 years of my life in school...and then go? I've thought about study abroad...I've thought about trying a YWAM...I've thought about just doing missions for a year...I've thought about all these different things in hopes that I will know what this is going on inside me.
Because, honestly...it feels like a war. I just want to go...and yet I know that right now I'm in school.
Last night at church, a girl spoke who is leaving for Thailand in May for an indefinite amount of time. She talked, and I can't even describe to you how much I wished I was her. I'm not even kidding, I would have dropped everything I was doing to leave and do what she was doing. She talked about how Jesus asks us to follow him, and how when we do he will make us fishers of men. Not 'you'll become fishers after you do this and that, and if you work real hard'. No, if I follow Him, He will make me one. And then I think, is this desire something that I need to act on right now? Is this following Him? Or is it just for...future reference?!
You know, there is that verse..."delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"...and truthfully...the closer I feel to Jesus the more I want to go.
I don't really know what I'm getting at...I just know that the logistical side of me...the side of me that is practical...the side of me that worries... that side of me holds me back because I'm scared I'm doing something wrong if I was to just go and follow this crazy desire inside me. I'm scared of what others will think...mainly my family...those who I know want to see me succeed.
And yet, the very prospect that it makes me scared makes me want to do it even more. If I've learned anything in the past year...it is that risks are a good thing.
And truthfully, what defines success?
Really...this thing called life scares me...mainly because I so badly want what God wants for me...but at the same time I really can't work out whats going on inside my heart...and if God wants me to do missions, be a doctor...or do it all at the same time.
I think I know this much...I know I want to do ministry through missions to different parts of the world...I guess I just don't know whether that's going to happen in a year, or in seven...or maybe the summers in between?
I think over the course of everyones life there comes a point when there comes a general sense of what you want to do with your life. And notice that I said general...because sometimes I think you can never really know for sure.
Or can you? I mean...(i'm about to start ranting)...I've been thinking for the past year that I really want to become a doctor. My reasonings for this exist because I love studying about the body, and about sickness...and I really want to help people. And truthfully, learning about the body is just one of those things that makes me see how great God is. And, obviously, there are more reasons than those, but you get the idea. But, then there is this other side of me that just wants to go. And by go I mean leave...I feel like I have this calling to go elsewhere...to not be here...to pick up and go...and sometimes I feel like I need to do that right now.
And then I wonder...do I go? Do I take a year off and see what it's like? Or do I stick out the next what seems like it's going to be 80 years of my life in school...and then go? I've thought about study abroad...I've thought about trying a YWAM...I've thought about just doing missions for a year...I've thought about all these different things in hopes that I will know what this is going on inside me.
Because, honestly...it feels like a war. I just want to go...and yet I know that right now I'm in school.
Last night at church, a girl spoke who is leaving for Thailand in May for an indefinite amount of time. She talked, and I can't even describe to you how much I wished I was her. I'm not even kidding, I would have dropped everything I was doing to leave and do what she was doing. She talked about how Jesus asks us to follow him, and how when we do he will make us fishers of men. Not 'you'll become fishers after you do this and that, and if you work real hard'. No, if I follow Him, He will make me one. And then I think, is this desire something that I need to act on right now? Is this following Him? Or is it just for...future reference?!
You know, there is that verse..."delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"...and truthfully...the closer I feel to Jesus the more I want to go.
I don't really know what I'm getting at...I just know that the logistical side of me...the side of me that is practical...the side of me that worries... that side of me holds me back because I'm scared I'm doing something wrong if I was to just go and follow this crazy desire inside me. I'm scared of what others will think...mainly my family...those who I know want to see me succeed.
And yet, the very prospect that it makes me scared makes me want to do it even more. If I've learned anything in the past year...it is that risks are a good thing.
And truthfully, what defines success?
Really...this thing called life scares me...mainly because I so badly want what God wants for me...but at the same time I really can't work out whats going on inside my heart...and if God wants me to do missions, be a doctor...or do it all at the same time.
I think I know this much...I know I want to do ministry through missions to different parts of the world...I guess I just don't know whether that's going to happen in a year, or in seven...or maybe the summers in between?
posted by kathleen at 2:43 PM
6 Comments:
Hey love...ah. A familiar feeling - that stuck between commitment and a pull to follow Jesus. I pray that you would be able to surrender completely to whatever it is that he wants - whether it is to stay or go.
The girl who is going to Thailand in May...was her name Jess Richards by any chance?
Hope Hepburn was wonderful. We should catch up soon.
Love Sabs
Blessings to you, you gorgeous girl!! I loved this post...mostly because I am proud of you. Because honestly, i ponder the same question--"what defines success?" Leens, if you feel called, GO! I think the greatest success we can ever achieve is following the heart of Jesus. Pray about it obviously, and I'll be praying for direction for you too, but if your heart feels THAT passionate about "heading out" then I think you should do it! Who knows where it might lead you? And who says that even if it doesn't work out, that failure is always a bad thing....i think it can be vital in sometimes in finding what God really wants for us.
Man you're one awesome woman...miss ya like crazy!
Hey, if you are interested in missions there is a team going to Congo (wehre Trev and I were) ths summer for 6 weeks with ACTION through MBMSI. They want to send in a medical team of nursing students (I am sure you would fall under this category too). Let me know if you are interested.
Hey Leensie...question for ya. I just read something that lead me to believe that Matt & Lisa had their baby. Is it true!!!???!? If they did, when and did they have a boy or girl? How big? Name? I'm SO curious! Could you let me know!?
Talk to you soon kiddo...
Bonsie...
They sure did! And the name is
Joel Micah...
good name, eh??
anyways, yah, man...we need to talk!!
ok, miss you!
love, leens
Oh Leens, wonderful post. I think its good to dream, and try to figure out where God is calling. also good to figure out the logistitcs... good thoughts. sometimes you just gotta go though. thats what i think... but don't take that as a sign or anything. love you,
janell
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