Like a Child.

I have decisions to make.
My heart and head feel at war, because on one hand, I am victim to the pressures of this world and the claims society tries to take in my life. On the other, I know that my only authority is Jesus, and am confident that His will resides in my heart.

The little girl in this picture was one of the most beautiful children I have ever met. However, looking into her face, I was reminded of something else.

"Oh, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding the truth from those who think themselves so wise and clever, and for revealing it to the childlike"

Matthew 11:25

I think my biggest issue is that I think I can control the path of my life. I think that my plans and my methods of carrying them out are more valuable than following what I believe God has placed in my heart. I worry about the consequences of what seem like massive decisions when I know inside of me that the decisions themselves are not even that significant, and in reality, the consequences will work out.

I feel a calling...and yet, I cannot emphasize enough how scared I am to answer it.

I am afraid to trust myself. I am afraid to trust God.

So, I desire a faith that is able to understand that I am actually not that clever...and that I'm actually not very wise...and that maybe my plans are not really what need to happen right now. I desire a quieted heart...one that is able to listen to itself, and trust that what is happening inside of it is happening for a reason. I desire to refrain from thinking about the things that I can't work out in my head...and focus on what I know I feel.

I desire to follow the one calling in life that I know I have for so long dismissed.

"I don't concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me. But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord - now and always."

Psalm 131: 1b-3

Now or Later, and somewhere in between...

So, I've been thinking.

I think over the course of everyones life there comes a point when there comes a general sense of what you want to do with your life. And notice that I said general...because sometimes I think you can never really know for sure.

Or can you? I mean...(i'm about to start ranting)...I've been thinking for the past year that I really want to become a doctor. My reasonings for this exist because I love studying about the body, and about sickness...and I really want to help people. And truthfully, learning about the body is just one of those things that makes me see how great God is. And, obviously, there are more reasons than those, but you get the idea. But, then there is this other side of me that just wants to go. And by go I mean leave...I feel like I have this calling to go elsewhere...to not be here...to pick up and go...and sometimes I feel like I need to do that right now.

And then I wonder...do I go? Do I take a year off and see what it's like? Or do I stick out the next what seems like it's going to be 80 years of my life in school...and then go? I've thought about study abroad...I've thought about trying a YWAM...I've thought about just doing missions for a year...I've thought about all these different things in hopes that I will know what this is going on inside me.

Because, honestly...it feels like a war. I just want to go...and yet I know that right now I'm in school.

Last night at church, a girl spoke who is leaving for Thailand in May for an indefinite amount of time. She talked, and I can't even describe to you how much I wished I was her. I'm not even kidding, I would have dropped everything I was doing to leave and do what she was doing. She talked about how Jesus asks us to follow him, and how when we do he will make us fishers of men. Not 'you'll become fishers after you do this and that, and if you work real hard'. No, if I follow Him, He will make me one. And then I think, is this desire something that I need to act on right now? Is this following Him? Or is it just for...future reference?!

You know, there is that verse..."delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"...and truthfully...the closer I feel to Jesus the more I want to go.

I don't really know what I'm getting at...I just know that the logistical side of me...the side of me that is practical...the side of me that worries... that side of me holds me back because I'm scared I'm doing something wrong if I was to just go and follow this crazy desire inside me. I'm scared of what others will think...mainly my family...those who I know want to see me succeed.

And yet, the very prospect that it makes me scared makes me want to do it even more. If I've learned anything in the past year...it is that risks are a good thing.

And truthfully, what defines success?

Really...this thing called life scares me...mainly because I so badly want what God wants for me...but at the same time I really can't work out whats going on inside my heart...and if God wants me to do missions, be a doctor...or do it all at the same time.

I think I know this much...I know I want to do ministry through missions to different parts of the world...I guess I just don't know whether that's going to happen in a year, or in seven...or maybe the summers in between?

The end of a (relatively short) era...

I quit starbucks.

I know...part of me is sad...no more cheap drinks...and the ability to give free coffee to people (ahem...mark and carmen...and others...) will be gone...my calcium intake will severely decrease...and, most of all...i'll officially be an extremely poor student.

But...i know this was the right decision. A friend of mine laughed after i told him that I quit after a day into the semester...this semester is going to be crazy, though! I have five full science courses...well, 4 full science courses, and one language course...and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck without the added stress of crazy customers who want their drinks a certain way and will talk to me like i don't speak english, and as if i'm deaf all at the same time.

Honestly though, I know this is a good decision for better reasons than those listed above. On sunday night at church, my pastor left us with the challenge of figuring out whether God was asking us to start, or stop, doing something that we're doing. Kind of broad...but I was automatically hit with the topic of how i spend my money. I've realized that, when i'm in a position of making money, I will freely spend it...and most of the time the recipient of the 'spendage' is none other than yours truly. Interestingly enough, it was after I decided that I was going to refrain from spending excess money on myself (ie. buying clothes...a rather massive hobby of mine) for the next however many months, that I made my decision to quit my job. Part of my hesitancy to quit arose in the fear that I wouldn't have any money to feed my materialistic habits...and then it hit me...I had just made a promise to Jesus to (try to) stop that.

Hmmm...funny how He works. Anyways, I've decided that this is, in a way, a step of faith for me...because not only was i challenged to refrain from spending money on myself, but I was also challenged to up my tithing. If there is one thing that I suck at horribly, it is tithing. So, here i am, now in a position of making no money...well, very little (i teach piano once a week)...and I'm challenged to tithe more. Needless to stay, this will be interesting...but at the same time, I'm excited to learn and to grow through this challenge.

So...my last day at the bux is next monday. Part of me feels bad for leaving...but I think i'll get over it, when I realize how much more time I will have for school, others, myself, and most importantly, Jesus...who ironically seems to be the first to go when i get busy and stressed.

Home, again.

well...Christmas vacation is officially over...and tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will head off to school. I can't believe how fast the last two weeks went...it truly feels like I just walked out of my last exam. But it was so much fun to be back together with my whole family.

I can't think of much to say about my expectations for this year...maybe that's because I really have no idea what God has in store, or maybe it's just because I'm jet lagged and my mind isn't really working all that well. Probably a bit of both.

What i do know is that this year is like a fresh start. I think there are some crazy things coming, and i'm pretty pumped about them. I'm so excited to grow more, learn more, and experience Jesus in ways I haven't before.

so...Happy New Year, everyone.

Thailand...

Thailand...possibly one of the best countries i have ever travelled to...
first pic -- this man was a member of the Karen Tribe we visited in the mountains out of Chiang mai...
second pic -- a mother and her son....same tribe...all of the children were so cute...
third pic -- mom and i at a cultural dinner on our last night in Chiang Mai
fourth pic -- one of the many interestingly worded signs of Thailand.

more thailand...

some more...
first pic -- ordering banana and chocolate roti from a stand on the side of the street at the night market in Chiang mai
second pic -- jon and i being dumb as per usual... i think that was the last night before we left Koh samui...
third pic --that was on a hike to a waterfall up in the mountains outside of chiang mai...
fourth pic -- playing volleyball in the pool at our hotel in koh samui...
fifth pic -- playing friz on the beach with jonny...

still more Thailand...

Thailand...completely out of order...
first pic -- jon and i on our elephant 'Evan'...(we named him that...suited his personality...)...at an elephant 'farm' outside of chiangmai.
second -- at Wat Prathat Doi Suthep (a buddhist temple) on the mountain side outside of chiangmai.
third -- some kids trying to sell us random objects on the beach of koh samui...and carmen.
fourth -- foot massages. oh...did i mention it only cost $2 for an hour?