My Beteeny.

Last sunday evening, Beteens and I went to her staff Christmas party. I have always loved getting dressed up in fancy dresses and doing my hair nice... Almost every year I've had a reason to do so, and this year I was a little bit dissapointed that maybe the opportunity to do so wouldn't present itself...but then Bets invited me to go along with her to her party...Have I mentioned that I love her?

ha ha...actually, that reminds me...I haven't...not on my blog, anyway. And to tell you the truth I probably don't do it enough in life either.

Beteens has been exactly what I have needed in the past 7 months that we have lived together.

Sure, we fight and annoy the heck out of each other... and to tell you the truth, it's pretty funny when our little squabbles happen... because I think we're both pretty stubborn people. But she has taught me so much about myself, and has helped the real me come back out of the shell that I lived in for so long.

Betty is beautiful. Not just in appearance, but in her soul. I have never onced doubted that Betty loves me...or that she would give anything for me. Why? Because when I cry, Betty cries. When I laugh, Betty laughs. When I sing...Betty says "sing louder". When I get mad, Betty lets me vent. When I'm excited, Betty gets pretty dang excited too.

When I feel like my life is school, Betty will come into my room and say, "Kathleen, you are actually the smartest person I know". When I feel rediculously unattractive, Betty will say, "Kathleen do you even understand how beautiful you are?" When I feel like dancing and doing actions to John Mayer in our hallway (which happens frequently), she'll stand there and laugh, saying "Work it..." When I feel tired and weak, and like I have absolutely no more energy left inside me, she will climb up the ladder to my bed, stroke my hair and pray with me...and sometimes she'll even sing me to sleep.


Betty is beautiful. She has this incredible heart for Jesus and for others that I have seen in only a few of the people I have ever known. When she sings, I smile...because her voice is phenomenal, and she doesn't hold back.
She is such an encourager...and that is something that I suck at. She is such a listener...also something I don't do to well at. And I know she prays for me because that is the type of person she is...when she loves someone...she lifts them up to Jesus.


Betty, I know I don't tell you enough...but I love you, and I love living with you. I'll be sad when we don't live together anymore, but I hope you know that you'll be welcome to come to my house and sing, and run up and down the hallways in your crazy-like manner. You are a phenomenal woman, and I have so much respect for you. Thank you for being my friend.

One year later...

Can you believe the year is almost over?

One month till we all make those new years resolutions that so many of us do so well at keeping (jokes)...one month until christmas will be pretty much over and january will begin...one month till the hectic new year comes crashing through the door and all we can do is stare at it in the face hoping that God will give us the most strength possible to deal with what might come.

November 19th marked a pretty significant day for me. It made me wonder what next year will bring. You see, now I'm baffled about life, because once you think something is going to happen and it doesn't, you wonder what will ever happen in life, and if the measly little idea you have about your life is even remotely close to the broad, yet incredibly specific, picture that God has.

But you know, sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean a lot of times) I worry when I wonder. I don't know why I do...I think because maybe that's me trying to take control and I can't do it...so I get scared.

So, I've decided to enjoy this Christmas by not pondering what next year will bring. Obviously I have no clear idea... so why waste my time thinking about it, right?

I think instead, I'm going to sit by my christmas tree... and reflect on what has happened in my life during this past year. And rather than worrying about how I'm going to deal with everything in the year to come (because I'm slowly beginning to realize that I don't have to), I will use my time to think about how unbelievably supportive and loving my family, my friends, and, most importantly, Jesus has been through it all.

I need some insight...

My crazy week is over. Don't get me wrong... I don't see the finish line quite yet...but I'm feeling surprisingly more light hearted than I was last week at this time...kind of like this picture...although I was in Hawaii when that was taken...I'm not quit that happy...considering I'm much more pale and much less warm.
But I have a question. This is going to seem random and maybe it won't make sense...but it's because I'm trying to keep it out of the context of the situation. I'm making it general, even though the concern itself is completely valid and applicable to my life.
I need your thoughts...so, whoever reads this...let me know what you think.

You know when you have gone through a part of your life and you may have acted a certain way, not knowing that how you were acting was affecting the people around you? Ok, well...lets say I did that. Lets just say I did that to the extreme. Perhaps I may have apologized whole heartedly to the person I hurt. Perhaps I may have apolized to God and accepted his grace. However, there is still this conviction inside of me that is screaming to me that something isn't resolved. Part of me wonders if I didn't apologize with enough sincerity the first time....or that I did it with the wrong motives. But I think I had sincerity and the right motives. Part of me wonders if God needs more than what I gave...if my understanding of who I was and how I needed to change (correction: need to change)...wasn't enough. But I think God has grace for that.
I worry daily that the people I have hurt haven't forgiven me...or worse, I worry daily that the person who I was is still fighting to come out again. I feel regret about something I have done...I feel remorseful about a large part of my life that I can't take back...and yet I can't put my finger on how to fix it.
So, to make it clear...I don't understand why I feel this way. I have this conviction, and I can't figure out why. And to tell you the truth, it eats at me and eats at me...until I can't think.
The reality is that I don't like who I was, and I worry that I am still like that...but once again, as before, I am failing to see it.
I talked with a friend of mine and he mentioned that he thinks I feel this way because maybe I haven't forgiven myself. As I result I am beating myself up and sucking myself dry because I'm putting all my energy into trying to fix what I have done wrong instead of just accepting it and embracing the fact that I am forgiven and that I am loved.
But so much of my trust has been broken that I have so much trouble believing that there is grace...even from God.
The problem is I don't know how to be less critical about myself... I don't know how to forgive myself for something that seems so out of my character, even though it seemed to be my character for so long.
I'm open to learn from you, so if you have any thoughts... let me know.

Regarding last week...

So you know how you can have times in your life where it feels like you just don't know what is going on or what to do about your situation...ie:

"if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now."

That was me, last saturday. And low and behold, Sunday night rolls around and I head off to church only to listen to a message that I'm pretty sure was aimed directly at me. My pastor talked about grace...and not just how we perceive it today, but the context of it in Roman times.

The meaning of grace was depicted by a circular dance between three people...the first person being the benefactor of the second, and the second receiving from the first...and so on and so on. Grace comes in when we look at the third person. That person has means to the first person through the second person...(are you confused yet?). So in a sense, as my pastor put it, the second person is the mediator of the relationship between the giver and the final receiver. In turn, those who receiver from the Giver are to respond by giving back...whether through gratitude, appreciative acts...or whatever.

So unless you don't see the parallel, let me draw it for you...God would be the giver...Jesus is the mediator...and I'm that third person. Here's the catch, when the third person, being me in this case, doesn't act in response to God, we are breaking the dance, and therefore are unable to experience grace.

Funny that it took a dance metaphor for me to clue in. I have been breaking the dance for so long. My time with God in the past months has been so minimal that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've gotten so wrapped up in controlling my life that I forgot to bring it before God before I even approach my day...let alone week, or year.

My desire is this: that I would experience the love of God. And I don't mean that in the cliche sense...I mean that I want to know God like a lover. I knew this type of relationship when my engagement was called off...God became all I actually had. But I've let go of that because of my busy life and by self focus. I want to be pursued by Jesus.

So, even though life might scare the crap out of me right now, I have realized (for the thousandth time) that I am not alone. Although I might let go of Jesus' hand in the dance of grace, he isn't going to let go of mine.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

your perfect love is casting out fear.

Even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life,

I won't turn back, I know you are near.

And I will fear no evil,

For my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear.

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

a glorious light beyond all compare.

There will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes,

I'll live to know you here on this earth.

And I will fear no evil,

for my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

and there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that comes,

I will praise you.

Yeah, I will praise you."

~Matt Redman~

I think that song kind of sums it all up.

It's quarter to midnight, and all I can do is think.

My blogs have a continuous theme it seems.

First, let me get one thing straight...I'm not complaining about what I'm about to write about. And I can't complain, because I know that if I didn't come through this stage in life at some point -- this stage where I batter my mind with thoughts, I wouldn't be normal. But seriously, I am honestly always thinking about life. Thinking about so much. And I know that this is characteristic of this stage in life...this awkward stage in life...but sometimes I think...am I actually normal? Because I think I wonder about life alot more than the next person.

So, I have come to two conclusions. (Bear with me because I know this isn't making any sense quite yet...I'll get to my point.)

My first conclusion is that I am not normal. And that is ok. In fact, who is normal? What is normal? Does normal mean having it all together and never worrying about what to do next and never wondering about why life is the way it is, and always being sure of who you are and being confident of what life has in store for you? Because if that is what normal is, then for one, I've never met anyone normal, and two, I don't want to be normal. Because in that case, "normal" people are boring. "Normal" people have it all together. "Normal" people are void of all mystery and chaos, which in my mind, are two things that make people completely dependent and in need of God.

Ok, my second conclusion is that John Mayer is actually lyrically brilliant. Random, I know...however he has written a song that I think perfectly outlines the thoughts that I can't seem to understand in my own head.

"No, I'm not color blind. I know the world is black and white.

Try to keep an open mind, but I just can't sleep on this tonight...

Stop this train.

I want to get off and go home again.

I can't take the speed it's moving in,

I know I can...

But honestly, won't someone stop this train.

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go.

One generations length away from finding life out on my own.

Stop this train.

I want to get off and go home again.

I can't take the speed it's moving in,

I know I can...

But honestly, won't someone stop this train.

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.

So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life's just begun.

Had a talk with my old man. I said, 'Help me understand.'

He said, 'turn sixty-eight, then renegotiate. Don't stop this train,

don't for a minute judge the place you're in.

And don't think I couldn't ever understand.

I've tried my hand, and honestly,

you'll never stop this train.'..."

Yep. So, the fact that John Mayer is a great musician is undoubtedly quite obvious and isn't really one of my life conclusions. However, aside from my many random, small, and insignificant conclusions that I make on a day to day basis that, at the time, seem so mind-blowing and life changing, I have come to the conclusion that I don't have any conclusions. In fact, I can't make any conclusions. Why? Because how can I make a conclusion about why my life is the way it is, or why I'm here or what I'm doing right now, when my life has really only just started? Doesn't it take an end to make a conclusion about it? Making a conclusion in my life at this point regarding my life right now would, in my opinion, be selling myself short of what is to come. Making a conclusion about life right now would be selling myself short of a life that is lived not knowing what God has planned. Making a conclusion about life right now would be taking my life into my hands with my own expectations and forgetting that God is the one who makes the life conclusions for me.

Ok, so maybe I don't make any sense...but I'm ok with that. To be honest, I have to be ok with that. Because right now there are too many other things to think about. Like the fact that, if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now. But I think that's how he wants it right now because it's making me think and ponder and wonder and get angry and get sad and get excited...all because I don't know and He does. And that makes me trust Him.

I need sleep...(can you tell?)...and I think I've gotta try and think a little less.