I need some insight...
My crazy week is over. Don't get me wrong... I don't see the finish line quite yet...but I'm feeling surprisingly more light hearted than I was last week at this time...kind of like this picture...although I was in Hawaii when that was taken...I'm not quit that happy...considering I'm much more pale and much less warm.But I have a question. This is going to seem random and maybe it won't make sense...but it's because I'm trying to keep it out of the context of the situation. I'm making it general, even though the concern itself is completely valid and applicable to my life.
I need your thoughts...so, whoever reads this...let me know what you think.
You know when you have gone through a part of your life and you may have acted a certain way, not knowing that how you were acting was affecting the people around you? Ok, well...lets say I did that. Lets just say I did that to the extreme. Perhaps I may have apologized whole heartedly to the person I hurt. Perhaps I may have apolized to God and accepted his grace. However, there is still this conviction inside of me that is screaming to me that something isn't resolved. Part of me wonders if I didn't apologize with enough sincerity the first time....or that I did it with the wrong motives. But I think I had sincerity and the right motives. Part of me wonders if God needs more than what I gave...if my understanding of who I was and how I needed to change (correction: need to change)...wasn't enough. But I think God has grace for that.
I worry daily that the people I have hurt haven't forgiven me...or worse, I worry daily that the person who I was is still fighting to come out again. I feel regret about something I have done...I feel remorseful about a large part of my life that I can't take back...and yet I can't put my finger on how to fix it.
So, to make it clear...I don't understand why I feel this way. I have this conviction, and I can't figure out why. And to tell you the truth, it eats at me and eats at me...until I can't think.
The reality is that I don't like who I was, and I worry that I am still like that...but once again, as before, I am failing to see it.
I talked with a friend of mine and he mentioned that he thinks I feel this way because maybe I haven't forgiven myself. As I result I am beating myself up and sucking myself dry because I'm putting all my energy into trying to fix what I have done wrong instead of just accepting it and embracing the fact that I am forgiven and that I am loved.
But so much of my trust has been broken that I have so much trouble believing that there is grace...even from God.
The problem is I don't know how to be less critical about myself... I don't know how to forgive myself for something that seems so out of my character, even though it seemed to be my character for so long.
I'm open to learn from you, so if you have any thoughts... let me know.
posted by kathleen at 11:15 PM
4 Comments:
Here goes the honesty...
What stands out to me in the blog is the use of "I". Perhaps it is less about you trying to "fix" or be in control of the situation and confused feelings, and more about you simply being a vessel which God (and his grace) can flow through.
I think that as we extend grace to others, that we open ourselves up to fully experience grace in our own lives.
I don't know hon, I know that you've been made aware of the areas that need growing (as I have in my own life too). It's easy to get stuck in the trap of worry, wondering if we'll just repeat those same patterns. This is life-sucking.
Perhaps this is where the action needs to come first, before the feeling. Love for one thing is often first a choice put into action before something we feel.
Perhaps practicing that which you seek to feel will not only enable you to feel forgiven, but to be forgiveness. Not only to be aware of God's grace, but to be his grace to others.
Just thoughts, sorry they're random. Thought of you lots when I was trying to sleep last night. Miss you. Want to chat.
Forgiveness of oneself is something I think we all deal with. I remember a specific night when I had people praying for me. Some thoughts were running through my head. I had done some things but asked for forgiveness for years, but didnt' feel free. The pastor asked, "Is there something you don't feel forgiven for?" I was shocked and said, "Yes". Well he told me that I was forgiven and that I need to see that there was a door up that Satan no longer had the power to make me feel guilty. God forgives and forgets. Yes you went through a lot, maybe hurt yourself and others in the process, but you asked for forgiveness and what is done is done. Walk in Freedom.
Well I definitely agree that you are TOO hard on yourself. You are truly an unbelievable woman of faith and your heart for people is inspiring. Don't beat yourself up Kathleen. I agree with Rebekah when she says that you should be free in Christ! We ALL do things that feel unforgivable at times and need to remember that it is God's job to forgive, and he does, and so we need to forgive ourselves! Be strong in Him Leens...cuz he will always love you regardless of what you do!
And so will I!! Love ya...and we still NEED to chat!
kathleen:
okay a while back i wanted to comment but i couldn't b/c i wasn't a blogger, but now i can (still not a blogger, enjoy others). i just wanted you to know that we miss you here around rosenort; you were a welcomed addition and you brought such great things to our little town. i do miss seeing you in our church, and i hope you are doing well. i mean i do read your posts and it seems like life attacks you at times like it does all of us; but i truly hope you are well.
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