Regarding last week...

So you know how you can have times in your life where it feels like you just don't know what is going on or what to do about your situation...ie:

"if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now."

That was me, last saturday. And low and behold, Sunday night rolls around and I head off to church only to listen to a message that I'm pretty sure was aimed directly at me. My pastor talked about grace...and not just how we perceive it today, but the context of it in Roman times.

The meaning of grace was depicted by a circular dance between three people...the first person being the benefactor of the second, and the second receiving from the first...and so on and so on. Grace comes in when we look at the third person. That person has means to the first person through the second person...(are you confused yet?). So in a sense, as my pastor put it, the second person is the mediator of the relationship between the giver and the final receiver. In turn, those who receiver from the Giver are to respond by giving back...whether through gratitude, appreciative acts...or whatever.

So unless you don't see the parallel, let me draw it for you...God would be the giver...Jesus is the mediator...and I'm that third person. Here's the catch, when the third person, being me in this case, doesn't act in response to God, we are breaking the dance, and therefore are unable to experience grace.

Funny that it took a dance metaphor for me to clue in. I have been breaking the dance for so long. My time with God in the past months has been so minimal that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've gotten so wrapped up in controlling my life that I forgot to bring it before God before I even approach my day...let alone week, or year.

My desire is this: that I would experience the love of God. And I don't mean that in the cliche sense...I mean that I want to know God like a lover. I knew this type of relationship when my engagement was called off...God became all I actually had. But I've let go of that because of my busy life and by self focus. I want to be pursued by Jesus.

So, even though life might scare the crap out of me right now, I have realized (for the thousandth time) that I am not alone. Although I might let go of Jesus' hand in the dance of grace, he isn't going to let go of mine.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

your perfect love is casting out fear.

Even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life,

I won't turn back, I know you are near.

And I will fear no evil,

For my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear.

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

a glorious light beyond all compare.

There will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes,

I'll live to know you here on this earth.

And I will fear no evil,

for my God is with me.

And if my God is with me,

whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, you never let go,

through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, you never let go,

through every high and every low.

Oh no, you never let go,

Lord, you never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,

and there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that comes,

I will praise you.

Yeah, I will praise you."

~Matt Redman~

I think that song kind of sums it all up.