It's quarter to midnight, and all I can do is think.

My blogs have a continuous theme it seems.

First, let me get one thing straight...I'm not complaining about what I'm about to write about. And I can't complain, because I know that if I didn't come through this stage in life at some point -- this stage where I batter my mind with thoughts, I wouldn't be normal. But seriously, I am honestly always thinking about life. Thinking about so much. And I know that this is characteristic of this stage in life...this awkward stage in life...but sometimes I think...am I actually normal? Because I think I wonder about life alot more than the next person.

So, I have come to two conclusions. (Bear with me because I know this isn't making any sense quite yet...I'll get to my point.)

My first conclusion is that I am not normal. And that is ok. In fact, who is normal? What is normal? Does normal mean having it all together and never worrying about what to do next and never wondering about why life is the way it is, and always being sure of who you are and being confident of what life has in store for you? Because if that is what normal is, then for one, I've never met anyone normal, and two, I don't want to be normal. Because in that case, "normal" people are boring. "Normal" people have it all together. "Normal" people are void of all mystery and chaos, which in my mind, are two things that make people completely dependent and in need of God.

Ok, my second conclusion is that John Mayer is actually lyrically brilliant. Random, I know...however he has written a song that I think perfectly outlines the thoughts that I can't seem to understand in my own head.

"No, I'm not color blind. I know the world is black and white.

Try to keep an open mind, but I just can't sleep on this tonight...

Stop this train.

I want to get off and go home again.

I can't take the speed it's moving in,

I know I can...

But honestly, won't someone stop this train.

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go.

One generations length away from finding life out on my own.

Stop this train.

I want to get off and go home again.

I can't take the speed it's moving in,

I know I can...

But honestly, won't someone stop this train.

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.

So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life's just begun.

Had a talk with my old man. I said, 'Help me understand.'

He said, 'turn sixty-eight, then renegotiate. Don't stop this train,

don't for a minute judge the place you're in.

And don't think I couldn't ever understand.

I've tried my hand, and honestly,

you'll never stop this train.'..."

Yep. So, the fact that John Mayer is a great musician is undoubtedly quite obvious and isn't really one of my life conclusions. However, aside from my many random, small, and insignificant conclusions that I make on a day to day basis that, at the time, seem so mind-blowing and life changing, I have come to the conclusion that I don't have any conclusions. In fact, I can't make any conclusions. Why? Because how can I make a conclusion about why my life is the way it is, or why I'm here or what I'm doing right now, when my life has really only just started? Doesn't it take an end to make a conclusion about it? Making a conclusion in my life at this point regarding my life right now would, in my opinion, be selling myself short of what is to come. Making a conclusion about life right now would be selling myself short of a life that is lived not knowing what God has planned. Making a conclusion about life right now would be taking my life into my hands with my own expectations and forgetting that God is the one who makes the life conclusions for me.

Ok, so maybe I don't make any sense...but I'm ok with that. To be honest, I have to be ok with that. Because right now there are too many other things to think about. Like the fact that, if I'm going to be honest, life scares me, and I feel a little alone, and I miss my home, and I ache for my family, and I'm terrified of failing, and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few years, and I really have no idea what God is doing right now. But I think that's how he wants it right now because it's making me think and ponder and wonder and get angry and get sad and get excited...all because I don't know and He does. And that makes me trust Him.

I need sleep...(can you tell?)...and I think I've gotta try and think a little less.