World's Worst Recipe: Biology, Calculus, and Chemistry -- with a side of German

I have had my first official panic attack of the year...and it happened on tuesday night.

I've never liked tuesdays. Bad things happen on tuesdays. Does anyone agree? Well, in the space of one hour last tuesday, as I sat in the law library at school, I realized that I had not only forgotten to register for my chemistry exam, but I had also forgotten to order my lab kit which contains the means of completing the 10 labs that I (wait for it) DIDN'T know about...
oh and on top of that, I realized that within the same week I have my biggest biology lab due, as well as my bio oral project, and my final german project...oh, and wait, that's only a week after my calculus midterm...which is, conveniently of course, only a week after my chemistry midterm, which is, also conveniently, only a week after my bio midterm, which, conveniently, is on saturday.

I'm tired. Really tired. And, you know... I do it to myself. I cried on the phone after asking my mom to call me (from Greece...thanks mom)...and was given the usual words..."everything's gonna be alright, you'll make it... just breath." The funny thing is that I knew that all along. But for some weird reason it took hearing it from someone else for it to actually register.

So, after my crying and shaking fit, in which I frantically wondered what it is that I'm actually trying to accomplish in life, why exactly it seems like nothing is going how I need it to go, and why i feel like the only one in my position, I got into bed with my journal and Jesus and began to write...

"I think my stress has something to do with the fact that I have not sat here with you in a while...and I feel like when I do come I just have this child wish list of all the things I need you to fix..."

Sometimes I feel bad about going to God like that. But the reality is that there are so many aspects to His character...he is a lover, he is a friend, he is a companion...he is a father. And on tuesday night (and pretty much every night) I approached him as the child that I am...needy, selfish, and sometimes really stupid and really horrible at time management.

But the picture I get of God during times like these is that he smiles, tears up with me a little bit, maybe gives that fatherly chuckle, then takes my hand and says "everything's gonna be all right, we'll make it...just breath." And then it all makes sense again.

It snowed.

i woke up yesterday morning to a pleasant surprise. Snow.

if you know anything about me, you know i love Christmas... and love is an understatement. Snow reminds me of christmas...so yesterday put me in the mood for white lights, sweaters, cold evenings, and rosy cheeks...the smell of cinnamon and peppermint, gingerbread cookies, and of course, Christmas music. A little early, you might think? well, yes....it is. However, i usually start listening to christmas music in July (sorry Betty...), so this excitement seems right on time for me.
this year has somewhat of a different look to it, though. and maybe that is why it's on my mind so much. i don't know who reads my blog...but i'm guessing many of you know the story of my past year...know why i no longer live in manitoba...why i'm still sporting the last name Hamm.
i never thought i'd write about this on my blog.
Christmas last year brought excitement in a way that was so much better than presents. Christmas last year brought things like new family, diamond rings, and planning...but most of all, it brought love.
Once you get engaged, it's like you live in oblivion for a little while...everything is great... everything is like christmas.
But you know that feeling of when Christmas is over and you have to go back to school, and the homework hits, and life gets ugly because there is still snow on the ground and it is still cold but all you have to look forward to are midterms?
That happened to me. But not with school...with love. I hope people only experience the former situation (which i think is inevitable), because the latter is no fun at all.
Christmas came and went, and so did my engagment. Almost exactly 8 months ago the planning ended...the fairy tale came to an abrupt halt.
And so it might seem that life ended for me. And it did seem that way for a while. A long while. But over these months God has helped me to realize that maybe my fairy tale wasn't the one He had planned...(and believe me, this has taken some convincing). God has shown me that our relationship wasn't wrong because he was a bad person and did everything wrong, or because I was a bad person and did everything wrong. I know this because I know that we are both good people, and that we both made mistakes. The relationship wasn't right because we were not right for eachother...God has someone better for each of us.
And now I am thankful...for two things: that the man I was with will have the chance to find that love and joy that God has planned...and that I now have that same chance.
Christmas will look different this year. I'll miss my old almost second family...I'll miss the look of a small town decorated in lights...I'll miss playing piano for the local church choir... I'll miss going on dates where we went iceskating, shopped in crazy busy stores, and went for coffee. I'll miss investing my love in another person, and feeling that love in return.
But this newness is drawing me in and I'm excited still. Excited to put up my new nativity scene, excited to decorate the apartment and get a christmas tree...excited to be loved...maybe not by a man on this earth...but by Him.
...I'm going to go finish baking my gingersnaps...

twenty-one and counting.

well...one more year has gone by...and i must say that it was quite an eventful one. never really thought i'd be at this place in my life at the age of twenty one...but here i am.
how is it? (as everyone has asked me...the famous birthday question)...well, no different really. And yet, so different. sometimes i feel like i know nothing for my age, and yet...sometimes i feel like i know and have experienced far too much.
what should i have accomplished by now in life?? honestly...sometimes i wonder if there isn't some universal life guideline that we're all really supposed to be following. sometimes i think i stop and sit by the flowers too much...sometimes i think i don't sit enough. I don't want to miss what God has for me in life, and yet sometimes I find that I am so wrapped up in my plans that I fail to even think about His.
and sometimes I wish these years were already gone...i wish i was done school and that the place that my life was at was one of more contribution to the world...one of greater accomplishment...one of greater faith.
but really...this is the journey isn't it? I mean...these past seven months have been the craziest seven months of my whole twenty one years...but i wouldn't trade them for anything. The journey is the hardest part...and I think it's because it comes with all of the learning. I don't know how many times I've said that I hate growing up and that I wish I could be 15 again...when mom and dad did everything, and all i had to worry about was math homework, dance practice, playing piano, and getting 8 hours of sleep. Now there is so much more to do and to think about, and I have to do it all with much less sleep, and much less help. I cry a lot more, and I laugh a lot harder. And I've learned how to take things a bit more light heartedly...like not doing so well on an exam, or getting a parking ticket, or spilling coffee all over myself...and all at the same time I will wonder for hours why life has to be so hard...like why is there cancer, and broken relationships, and long distance.

"This day's been crazy but everything's happened on schedule,

from the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.

But you knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden...

and you knew this day long before you made me outta dirt, yeah.

And you know the plans that you have for me,

and you can't plan the ends and not plan the means...

And so I suppose I just need some peace,

just to get me to sleep."

~Caedmons Call

That's my theme song. I guess the point is that I have never felt so independent and, at the same time, so dependent on God in all of my life.
So my main question/desire for this year is continuing to learn how to live by God's faithfulness. He really does have this whole journey thing planned out. And the funny part is that this journey won't end till he calls me home.
So, considering that hasn't happened yet... i guess there are still some things to learn...and a few more birthdays to celebrate.
maybe I'll make more sense as I get older...ha ha.
p.s. -- thank you mom and dad for the flowers...

some pink, some rain, and four pairs of running shoes...

so last thursday i randomly checked in my agenda and there was this add for the "CIBC Run for the Cure"...and I thought to myself....hm, Kathleen...maybe you should do that. So, I called up the rest of my family that is with me in this country, and said....hey kids, wanna run 5km in support of breast cancer?...and they said yes. So, this morning, I got up quite early and strapped on the running shoes, trudged over to the other Hamm household and we got in a car and drove down to Southcentre mall, where there were a lot of other people, and, much to our surprise (kidding), a lot of pink. The pictures came out in the wrong order...the first pic is actually when we were done the race...we were soaked. Yep, it was pouring...great running weather. But aside from that, it was such a great experience. I'd never done anything like it before and I was actually amazed at how many people came out...tons! and I mean toonnnnnssss. It was a pretty cool thing to support not only the general cause by running for breast cancer, but also to run more specifically for our mom, who battled with the disease only two years ago.
speaking of my mom...she's doing well....well, sort of well. after arriving back in muscat on tuesday last week, she seemed in good spirits, although she mentioned that she was a bit sore. Um, naturally, I said. But...I guess just how sore she was was a little unusual, because out of the blue on friday, she and my dad had to make a rush trip back to dubai. She had fluid build up and early signs of infection...which is really bad news because they pretty much have to start from square one if infection sets in. Thankfully, the doctor performed surgery early enough that she's ok...but my dad had to go back to work and so she is by herself in dubai...no complaints from her though. She phoned me to ask me how I'm doing...ha...well, mom...
anyways, just thought i'd give a little update. hope you like the pics...oh, incase you don't know my family....that's (from left to right in the top pic) -- jon (middle brother), me, carmen (sister in law), and Mark (oldest brother). good times....i guess i kinda like my family...